Thursday, December 31, 2009

Those Who Don't Respond to an Invitation

Not responding to invitations, both formal (e.g. wedding invitation with reply card) and informal (Evite, email, phone call). L.F.

I invited you
You too busy to respond?
Next time, you can't come

Someone Talks to Me from Another Room

I find it so annoying when my significant other talks to me from another room in the house. The water is usually running and the door is closed. Why dervish why?

You talk to me from a room far away
Come closer for me to hear what you say
Are you dumb, or lazy
Or maybe just crazy
If your words were a color, they'd be gray

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Fools Who Drive 30 in a 60 mph Zone

Selfish idiots who insist on driving at sub-30mph in a 60mph zone, in the rush-hour. they appear oblivious to the 20 cars queued up behind them. would they do the same on foot? probably. grrrr! :-) - B.G.

The speed limit's 60, but you don't care
You're in no rush to get from here to there
More than slow, you're dumber
So backed up, need plumber
Hand gestures behind you, you're unaware

A Roommate Who Won't Buy Household Supplies

Roommate who don't buy household items, i.e. dish soap, toilet paper, light bulbs, batteries, paper towels, cleaning products, etc. - E.N.

You seem to like having toilet supplies
If you bought them it would be a surprise
If I stop buying
Your ass air-drying
Little by little you would be Baptized


Drivers only a few feet from my rear end can easily see there's dozens of cars ahead of me driving bumper to bumper, except for moi, in the passing lane and there's no opening to escape to. I hate tailgaters.

You're behind me and feel you must pass
I'm boxed in yet you ride up my ass
Just slow the hell down
You aggressive clown
I wish that my car could pass gas

My Favorite Caramels Are Gone From Box of Christmas Candy

Finding all my favorite chocolate caramels gone from my box of Christmas candy. - M.G.

Chocolate caramels just can't be beat
What a nice gift, my favorite treat
But there's been a thief
Sadness, disbelief
When I find who ate them, they're dead meat

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Texting to Return a Phone Call Wastes My Time

People who reply to your voicemail with a text message and then continue to have a 10 minute text conversation with you when a 2 minute phone conversation would be so much quicker/easier.- M.O.

Return my phone call, that would be sublime
When you text in return, it wastes my time
I chose not to text
Now you have me vexed
If I ask for lemon, don't give me lime

Sunday, December 20, 2009

I Instant Message You and You Come See Me in Person. Don't Do That.

People who work in the office next to me...and I mean the next office over on the same floor in the same building, not the next building, and upon receiving my IM, immediately walk into my office to talk about it. I'm IMing you for a reason, dumbass. Beat it.

If I wanted to talk face-to-face
I would have walked over to your place
I instant messaged you
Why can't you get the clue?
What did I do with that can of mace?

Not Having Change Ready at the Toll Booth

People who pull up to the toll booth and then start looking for change. Really? Screw you. -A.B.

When you pull up at the toll, you search for change
This happens so often, I find it strange
I have mine ready
My speed stays steady
You give new meaning to being shortchanged

Saturday, December 19, 2009

I am Asked to Punch in Numbers After I've Already Done It

Dervish, we've all experienced calling the phone or cable company and being asked to punch in our phone number, pin and whatever else they can think of to slow the process. Eventually, you reach a human who asks the for same information. What's up with this?

I punched in numbers that were requested
You ask again, my patience is tested
Why ask me twice?
That's not very nice
This is why your company's detested

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Cartoon Movies That Get History Wrong

Cartoon movies that get history wrong. Please help us eliminate this tragic art form. It's wrecking my history classes. A limerick on this would be fantastic.

I see cartoon movies and just shake my head
Their history lessons are something I dread
Just sing a nice song
'Cause your facts are all wrong
Kids might learn even more from Dawn of the Dead

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Market Clerks Who Ask if I Found Everything but don't Help

When checking out at the supermarket the clerk asks "did you find everything you were looking for?" If the response is "no I couldn't find any..." I am greeted with a blank stare. What do you say dervish?

If you can't assist, then why have you asked?
Your indifference is not at all masked
I need granules of kelp
And you are no help
What's in that cash drawer, dumb juice in a flask?

Friday, December 11, 2009

Dogooders Who Try to Make You Feel Guilty

People who do good things for people, animals, the environment - whatever - and try to make you feel like less of a person if you don't do exactly what they do. Just because I don't flaunt my volunteerism, doesn't mean I don't do as much as you do.

Yes, it is true, you are a good person
Without folks like you, our world would worsen
But I do things too
I just don't tell you
It's just not needed, all this coercin'

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Those Who Say "Anymore" Instead of "Now"

I want to fly into a rage when I hear people use the word "anymore" instead of the word now. -DF

When you say "anymore" instead of "now"
It gets my blood boiling, I have a cow
Please speak correctly
I ask directly
When you talk, it hurts my ears. Big time ow.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Friends Who are Crazy Yet I Remain Their Friend

Being friends with crazies who deny global warming or think Obama's a Kenyan, and not being able to unfriend them because the spectacle is just too great.

You're out of your mind
Yet I claim you as a friend
Perhaps I'm crazy

Racially Offensive Comments Posted on Online Articles

Peeve: Racially offensive comments beneath every article on every internet news site! The articles don't even have to have anything to do with race, yet half of the comments are!

Why do online comments focus on race?
Even on articles about outer space!
Race has no relation
To a launched space station
Publish this...shut the hole in your racist face

Monday, December 7, 2009

Man I Dated Now Thinks I'm Adorable & Wants to be Just Friends

Finding out after 3 dates and epic sex that he thinks that I'm "adorable" and he just wants to be friends. Man. Adorable is the kiss of death. Adorable does not equal sex. I'm not a kitten.

He says I'm not cute, I'm adorable
I find this description deplorable
The sex came to an end
He just wants a good friend
I never knew precious was horrible

Those Who Forget How to Drive in the Snow

Upon 50+ car accidents during the first snow of the season, here is my latest peeve: people who forget how to drive in snow from one winter to the next. You live in North Dakota, for Pete's sake. You should know this by now.

There are rules when you drive in the snow
Watch your distance, stay steady and slow
When things start to freeze
I beg on my knees
Recall the road rules you used to know

Handshakes That are Too Strong (and Painful)

Dear Dervish, please help me articulate my displeasure with well-meaning folk who feel the need to squeeze when shaking my hand until I almost cry out in pain.

A strong handshake is good, but good lord
When we met and we shook I was floored
That is not a good move
Whatchu trying to prove?
Others' signals and pain you've ignored

People Who Smoke With Kids in the Car

One of my chief pet peeves is people who smoke in their cars with their kids inside. Smoke all you want, dudes, but don't make your kids breathe it in... yah know? JM

You choose to smoke, and that is your right
But don't do it with windows airtight
You're killing your kids
All good sense forbids
Children shouldn't have to suffer this plight

Sunday, December 6, 2009

People Who Make Videos of Themselves Discussing Unimportant Stuff

People who make videos of themselves discussing unimportant stuff with themselves. -RM

Your videos are boring as dirt
I'm sorry to be so blunt and curt
When you upload
Our minds implode
Watch them? I'd rather iron a shirt.

Neighbors' Noise and Smoke that Travel Upstairs

I have really horrible downstairs neighbors. They are very loud when I am trying to sleep at night and now that it has turned colder, they are smoking inside! The smoke is coming up through my heat vents and I do not enjoy breathing in the smelly grossness. Please give me a good haiku or limerick that I can post on their door!

From downstairs your smoke is invasive
Through vents, noise and stench are abrasive
Consider neighbors more
Or we'll clog on the floor
When pushed, we can be quite persuasive.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

When I'm Corrected by Someone in Public (and they're wrong)

Dervish, it drives me crazy when someone "corrects" me in public. But it especially gets me when their "correction" is incorrect. Please ease my pain. Haiku or limerick, I don't care.

You corrected me
In front of others, to boot
Wrong again, dumbass

People Who Show Me Personal Pictures That I Don't Care About

People who want to show you their pictures of something you're not interested in seeing, and they'll show you dozens and dozens and dozens...

If I wanted to see, I'd have said it
Enough with the pictures, I dread it
I couldn't care less
'Bout your kid's prom dress
Good lord, won't you please learn to edit.

People Behind Me are Called to New Checkout Lane

Dervish, when I am waiting on line (usually in the supermarket) for my turn to check out and a new register opens the young clerk often does not take the next person in line. Am I invisible or what?

A new line opens
She calls the man behind me
How does that make sense?

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Jerk Sitting in Front of Me on an Airplane

peeve of the day (yes, I have one every day): the baby daddy in front of me on the airplane who thought it was cool to be a jerk to his baby wife and daughter. Seriously, like it's her fault she married him and her fault that he was her sperm donor.

There's a jerk in front of me on the plane
If he keeps this up I will go insane
He screams at his wife
The love of his life
I knew I should have taken the train

Outsourcing Customer Service to Another Country

Dervish, My peeve is outsourcing. Can you imagine a phone conversation with someone way off in a distant land when you are trying to explain your orthotics did not arrive? Try it. It's good for a laugh if it doesn't drive you batty.

Outsourcing has gotten way out of hand
I call for help and reach another land
I get very nervous
At customer service
In India for an American brand

Monday, November 30, 2009

Delivery Drivers Who Make Excuses and Don't Deliver

Certain unnamed delivery drivers (in their cute little brown outfits) decide not to deliver your package on time and have the audacity so make up excuses (no one home or signature required) when you are waiting and tracking online.

You said you'd deliver 'tween nine and three
But I know now that was not to be
I tracked it online
Should have arrived fine
I'll tell you what brown can do for me.

People Who Mumble

people who mumble, especially those with low, breathy voices who are being interviewed on the radio. I crank it 'til it rattles my speakers straining to make out the words, and when the host's normal voice comes on I jump out of my skin and swerve off the road. SGM

You whisper, why do you talk this way?
When you speak I don't know what you say
You want to be heard?
Don't peep like a bird
If this were a game I'd call fowl play

Sunday, November 29, 2009

People Who Talk on Phone in Public Place

People who talk on their cell phones when they're being waited on at a store, restaurant, etc. So rude! -BW

You're rung up, but you missed what she said
Because you yak on your phone instead
We all roll our eyes
Silently chastise
Imagine phone whooped up side your head

Liquid Soap is Everywhere - I Want Bar Soap!

The sight of an honest bar of Ivory, Dial, Irish Spring, or Lava by a kitchen, powder room or basement sink delights me because I know there a proper lather awaits my filthy paws. Alas! Liquid soap has come to replace the soap dish at most sinks. Liquid soap with its noxious scents, its anti-bacterial-ness and its industrial non-communitarian feel make me yearn for a simpler time.

Though the liquid form has lots of fans
I prefer bar soap to clean my hands
I am incensed
With soap, dispensed
It's just no good, and I've tried all brands

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Those Who Take an Hour to Tell a Five-Minute Story

A pet peeve of mine is when people take an hour to tell a story that could have been told in 5 minutes. Just get to your point!

I fear my life will come to an end
Before your story does, my dear friend
My attention's gone
I'm drooled upon
The interest you see is just pretend

Monday, November 23, 2009

Obnoxious TV Sets in Restaurants

Why do restaurants put obnoxious daytime television (the kind with people yelling and obscenities bleeped out) on in the dining area and consider it atmosphere? It's horrendous.

My meal is now spoiled
Soaps, dopes, and ads while I eat
Is this Dish TV?

NPR's Filler Music is Louder Than the Voices

Why is the filler music on NPR always so much louder than the voices? I have to turn my radio down every time they put in 15 seconds of music and then turn it up again once somebody starts talking again. Aren't radio people supposed to know about volume? A haiku please.

All things considered
Volume on NPR stinks
Car Talk is good though

Supermarket Scanners are Often Incorrect

Supermarket scanners that scan in an incorrect price are a real peeve. Can all these errors really be errors? CW

The price rang up wrong
The price tag says something else
Electronic thief

People Who Say "You Know" All the Time

Dervish, it drives me wild when people pepper their conversation with "you know." It's know.

I wouldn't buy if you tried to sell me
What you lack is vocabulary
Your speech pattern blows
These constant "you knows"
No, I don't know, why don't you tell me?

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Junk Mail is a Nuisance and Wastes Trees

junk mail is such a nuisance. please help save the trees.

I really like trees
Without them we would all die
Your junk mail kills us

Why Don't We Say "President" Before "Obama" and "Bush" Anymore? Where's Our Respect?

When did we stop saying "President" before we say Obama or Bush? It doesn't matter which party you support. It shows a lack of respect for the office.

Bush and Obama both have titles
We show more respect to stars, idols
It makes me crazy
That we're so lazy
Don't worry, I'm not homicidal

Writing French Sounding Words With the Wrong Accent Marks

people who name their businesses with french-sounding words but put the accents the wrong way.

If you're gonna act French, do it right
Your accent marks are wrong, you ain't bright
You're not from Paris
So please just spare us
Speak the words if you must, but don't write

Those Who Refer to Themselves as a Mac or PC

I despise when people refer to themselves as a Mac or PC.

You're not an electronic device
You've no monitors, keyboards or mice
It's easy to see
You're no Mac or PC
If you were one, your firewire I'd slice

Nail Clipping in a Public Place

middle aged woman in the doctor's office waiting room...clipping her finger nails!

Doctor's waiting room
You have the gall to clip nails
Now I'm really sick

Friday, November 20, 2009

Co-Worker Who Says I'm Crass in the Office

My co-worker says I'm "not professional enough" in the office. She doesn't like some of my comments or the way I dress. I get my work done just fine, so she can just keep it to herself.

At work you say I sound kind of crass
But I don't curse loud or pass any gas
I get the job done
Beat you two to one
Girl, you can kiss my dimply white ass

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Incorrectly Saying "I" When You Should Say "Me"

Dervish, it drives me crazy when someone is trying to sound so educated and they say something like "This is such a good example for Dawn and I."

You don't say "I," in this case say "me"
Take out the other's name and you'll see
"Give it to I"
That doesn't fly
Didn't you learn this when you were like three?

My Husband Frequently Brings Fattening Cheese Home

My husband keeps buying delicious cheese and bringing it into the house. He knows I have no willpower. Damn him and his scrumptious dairy products.

Look at me hon, I'm down on my knees
I beg that you stop bringing home cheese
When it's in the house
I'm like a fat mouse
Soon, you'll have lots more of me to squeeze

Those Who Forget to Turn Off Their Turn Signal

Don't you just love driving behind someone whose turn signal is on and they never turn? Must really freak out the pedestrians and others in their path.

You give false signals
You're not really gonna turn
Lying on the road

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Those Who Put Empty Cartons Back in the Refrigerator

People who put empty cartons back in the refrigerator and empty containers in the pantry. Why on earth would you do this?

Cereal's poured and I see there's milk left
I grab the carton, I find it's bereft
You've used it all up
Haven't left me a cup
On the fridge I'll install a device, anti-theft

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Indecisive Fast Food Drive-Thru Customers

people at the fast food drive-thru who have no clue what they want should go inside to order - T.P.

There's a reason they call this fast food
Drive-thru indecision dampens my mood
Can't think on your feet?
Go inside and eat
Appetites lost while we waited and stewed

Monday, November 16, 2009

People Who Don't Identify Themselves on Voicemail

people who don't identify themselves on voicemail. "'s me..."

Please identify
See, I have more than one friend
Soon, you will have none

People Who Don't Parallel Park Efficiently

People who parallel park on the street in front of my house will scoot their car up fairly close to the next, so the space is used efficiently. But there's always somebody who parks, taking up two spaces, screwing the rest of us out of a perfectly good spot. It's quite irksome.

Other people need to find spots too
And our cars could have parked behind you
Causes our frustration
Correct parking rules you should review

Labels in Clothes That Scratch or Show Through

Dervish, I am so annoyed by labels that scratch my neck or show through clothes. Please help. -LM

I find labels a pain in the neck
They show through clothes and scratch me like heck
In this day and age
They should not cause rage
For labeless clothes, quite far I would trek

Sunday, November 15, 2009

I Have to Use AP Style When I Write and I Hate It

Writing a column every other week, and the occasional feature story, I have had to learn AP style. I sometimes want to call it "asshole plus" style. Remembering it's "they also were" instead of "they were also" and junk like that.

AP style's the guide I must follow
The bitter pill they make me swallow
I don't mean to be dense
But some rules make no sense
That author's head must have been hollow

Plane That Spends More Time on Tarmac Than Flying

what about a freaking plane in nyc that spends more time driving on the tarmac than in the air? I asked for an airbus, not a bus...

It's called an AIRplane
Not a tarmac vehicle
Godammit, fly, bitch

Friday, November 13, 2009

Non-Designers Who Tell Me (An Art Director) How to Design

I'm an art director and i HATE this. People who think they are designers and try to tell me how to do my job. I don't try to tell a vet how to lance a boil. Or tell a florist how to better arrange flowers. Why would I? It's not my profession.

I don't want to sound like a whiner
But what makes you think you're a designer?
I know what I'm doing
Your advice has me stewing
Keep it up and you'll have a shiner

Automatic Everything in Public Bathrooms

Automatic everything in public bathrooms. Can I not be trusted to do things myself? The toilet always flushes more than once, the water is never the right temperature, and I'm waving like a crazy person trying to get the soap and paper towels to dispense.

I flail my hands for water and soap
Even for towels, I feel like a dope
So call me old-fashioned
Water shouldn't be rationed
A return to the old way is my hope

Those Who Say "Should Of" Instead of "Should Have"

People who say "should of" or "could of" instead of "should/could HAVE." "shouldof" is probably the lazy bottom-feeder's way of saying the word.

"Should HAVE" not "should OF"
You should have read more - you'd know
You sound like a fool

Thursday, November 12, 2009

People Who Say Heighth Instead of Height

People who pronounce the word heighT, heighTH. Please stop!

"Height" ends in a T
Please get the H out of there
Mighth? Flighth? I think not.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Shady Characters Who Act Like They Want to Buy My Car

People who contact me about buying my old station wagon. Some will say, "What's the least you'll take?" Or they have personal problems I have to deal with. I'm concerned the potential buyers might be crooks in disguise.

Bring me an offer
Not your personal problems
Buy the car, or leave.

Questions that End in a Period

don't you hate it when people write a question but finish it with a period.

Statements and questions
They differ from each other
Like you and scholars

Cleaning Spray that Overpowers the Smell of Food in Restaurants

Often in a restaurant the wait staff will spray a nearby table while I am trying to enjoy my food. The odor of the cleaner overpowers the aroma of the food.

In restaurants Thai, French or Tex-Mex
Accosted by the smell of Windex
Your spraying is rude
I want to smell food
May as well eat a bowl of Rice Chex

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Wording Dervish on Vacation

On November 10th
The Wording Dervish returns
Save up those pet peeves

Emails That Haven't Been Proofed

Dear Wording Dervish, my pet peeve is the email with grammar and punctuation errors. Just because the email is an informal form of communication does not mean that we shouldn't proofread.

I know this comment might sound aloof
But in your emails, you sound like a goof
Double checking's normal
Even when informal
I'd appreciate it if you'd proof

Monday, October 26, 2009

Pedestrians Who Ignore the Street LIght

I hate it when Harvard Square pedestrians walk against the light, as if they're in downtown Mayberry.

I see people cross Harvard Square
Not minding the light, unaware
One day you'll get hit
I won't cry a bit
If you weren't so stupid, I'd care

Friday, October 23, 2009

Those Who Won't Learn New Technology

Those who don't bother to learn new technology and constantly bug those of us who do!

When you bug me about computers
My brain feels accosted by looters
I'd be so impressed
If you'd stay abreast
Otherwise, be a waitress at Hooters

People Who Lick Their Fingers to Thumb Thru Papers

I hate it when people complain about germs, bitch about how scared they are of the swine flu, insist on using hand sanitizer all the time, but somehow forget how unsanitary it is to LICK THEIR FINGERS to thumb through papers. I can't stand that crap! WHEN YOU DO THIS IT IS LIKE YOU ARE LICKING MY PAPERS! STOP IT!!

It's crucial to be sanitary
To avoid the germs that things carry
Yet you lick your thumb
Turning pages...dumb
You think you're prudent, but I'm wary

Fire Lane Blockers

I hate people who park in the fire lane at grocery stores and wait a half hour - 45 minutes for someone to do all the shopping while they sit in the car. "Fire Lane - No Parking" means FIRE LANE!!! NO PARKING!!!!!

What happens if there is a fire?
Hey, lane blocker, things could get dire
Rules apply to you too
Though you don't think they do
A sharp nail was just kicked by your tire

Thursday, October 22, 2009

People Who Honk Car Horns for No Good Reason

Why do people honk their horn in traffic when the people they're honking at can't move because of traffic? It's very obnoxious and it tells me a lot about them. -F.D.

Like a goose you honk
As though it will do some good
It won't, you nimrod.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

People Who Drive Hummers

Every time I see someone driving a Hummer I wonder how they think that's cool.

I think less of you driving that Hummer
Those who don't conserve are a bummer
Metal augmentation
Compared to most, I'd say you're dumber

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Skaters Who Bend Forward with Hands Clasped Behind Them

It bugs me to see people skating bent forward at the waist with their hands held behind their backs. It's just too Hans Christian Andersen. - KP

I'm perplexed by the way that you skate
And relieved that you are not my date
You look a fairy
Tail, light and airy
I crack up as you do figure eight

People Who "Friend" You to Get Your Business

people who try to friend you on Facebook or Linkedin so they can get business from you. JC

You friend me on Facebook and LinkedIn
This method has begun to wear thin
What you sell, I'll buy
When pigs start to fly
Sleazy motives get under my skin

Monday, October 19, 2009

Food Eaten Past Expiration Date

What is it about shelf life that folks don't get? My peeve is food that is kept beyond its time. A haiku or limerick please.

That jar of food is long past its prime
If you feed me, it could be a crime
Expiration dates
Prevent poisoned plates
I'll eat elsewhere each day at lunchtime

People Who Wear Heavy Fragrance

One of my pet peeves is people who wear heavy fragrance. They think the world is awaiting their scent. What say you? - LMW

To me, you smell just like a skunk
Did you don your cologne while drunk?
The stench lasts for hours
We're humans, not flowers
In a bath I wish you would dunk

Men Who Don't Share Their Umbrella

Dear Dervish: Grown men standing happily with an umbrella while young ladies huddle under one. Yes, they should have brought their own, but you Sir, look The Cad. - DFH

It's kind to share one's umbrella
But you're one unchivalrous fella
Your crudeness, frightening
You're tempting lightening
I hope you contract salmonella

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Labels That Stick to Beautiful Book Jackets

Have you noticed the sticky labels, sometimes on a beautiful book jacket, that just won't come off without ruining it? What are they thinking? CAS

Book cover destroyed
Why's the sticker on the front?
Art director seethes

Thursday, October 15, 2009

People Who Whistle Incessantly

There's a guy in my office who whistles as he walks around. This may sound like it's no big deal, but when you're trying to concentrate, it can really get on your last nerve.

I have a coworker who blows
Shrill sounds everywhere that he goes
Whistles while I work
Are no office perk
A bad habit right under his nose

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

When Men Order Before Female Dining Companion

when a man dining with woman orders for himself before his female dining companion has a chance to order.

Ladies go first, pig
Didn't you get home trainin'?
You will not get laid

People Who Gossip All Day in the Office

I hate it when my coworkers gossip all day while I'm trying to get work done.

I have work to do
But you are like Mary Hart
With uglier legs

Friends Who Eat My Dessert

My friend never orders dessert, but when I do, she ends up eating at least half of mine every time. Ease my pain, Dervish.

When the dessert menu comes, you pass
You act stuffed as you sip from your glass
And then you attack
My cake like it's crack
From now on you can kiss my fat ass

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

People Who Don't Return Phone Calls

People who don't return phone calls in a timely manner are downright rude. Dervish please set them straight.

I called you, yet I haven't heard back
There's no excuse to be that damn slack
You should show me
Some courtesy
I've begun to think you're a sad sack

Roommates Who Leave Lights on All the Time

I have a roommate who hardly ever turns off a light. House empty? Lights are still on. It's wasteful and nothing I say seems to help. - A haiku please.

You are a dim bulb
Lights are on but no one's home
Electric bill soars

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Skinny People Who Talk About How Fat They Are

It drives me nuts when skinny people talk about how "fat" they are. Give me a freaking break!

"I'm so fat," you say
But you're small and barely eat
Try this fist sandwich

Sunday, October 4, 2009

People Who Order Tapas and Don't Share

People who go eat tapas and don't share. When you go to Avalon...It's more fun to share!

Everyone knows that it's nice to share
If you ordered veal, I wouldn't care
But tapas are good
Please share like you should
Don't make me just sit here and stare

Acquaintances Who Move Without Saying Goodbye

Acquaintances who move without saying goodbye. - Anonymous

Did you think when you moved I'd not know?
A goodbye's not too hard to bestow
I feel kinda dissed
And now I am pissed
I'll have to cut you off like Van Gogh

Friday, October 2, 2009

Sirens That Wake Me Up in the Middle of the Night

Sirens that sound during the night, when it's unlikely anyone is even in their way. It just wakes up the whole neighborhood. F.D.

Curse your siren, unnecessary
You woke me from dreams that were merry
My mood has turned sour
At this early hour
Now, my face as long as John Kerry's

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

People Who Don't Hit Return to Separate Paragraphs

People that do not understand how to use a carriage return to break up their thoughts into paragraphs drive me nuts! -M.B.

I don't know why you can't hit return
It's so easy, even you could learn
Your words, hard to follow
Your head, must be hollow
This oversight causes concern

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

People Who Walk Pets in the Middle of the Road

Folks who walk their wonderful pets down the middle of the road… Do they want to get run over? Let the pet free, and I will gladly accommodate and run the owner's butt over.

Walk your pet over there on the side
We don't want dog and car to collide
Your pet's IQ
Surpasses you
I'd be sad if just one of you died

Monday, September 28, 2009

Young People Who Call Me Sir

My pet peeve is people in their 20's and 30's calling me "sir" and it makes me know that I am old even though I think that I am young. Please help.

When you call me Sir
It makes me feel very old
Even if I am

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Friends Who Forget You When They're in a Relationship

Girlfriends who forget their girlfriends when they have a boyfriend really tick me off. What's your take dervish?

You say I'm your friend
When he's here...I'm chopped liver
You're not a good friend

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Planting Fake Flowers in Gardens

A really annoying thing I see a disturbing amount of: People who "plant" stems of unnaturally colored silk flowers in the gardens in front of their homes, apparently in a failed attempt at landscaping.

Those flowers you plant aren't real
You're not fooling us with that bright teal
It couldn't hurt
To get down in the dirt
Authentic plants have more appeal

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Misuse of the Letter K

The misuse of the letter K - using the letter when there should be a C...I will boycott any product or store that has done this...Any thoughts? - E.T. Wow, E.T., this is one of mine too!

Don't name your store Krazy Kats
That shit just ain't where it's at
The letter C
Was meant to be
It ain't kool, nor is it Phat

People Who Make Every Conversation About Themselves

My pet peeve is people who make every conversation about themselves. Any help would be greatly appreciated. M.S.

Why is everything all about you?
There are things that I'd like to say too
If I did the same
You'd be quick with blame
More words with you? Nah, I think I'm through.

Neighbors Who Park in My Spot

Neighbors parking in my parking spot have my goat. Please a haiku to paste on their door.

We each get a spot
I don't cook in your kitchen
You want me to start?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Slow People Walking in Front of Me

I don’t like when you’re shopping at the mall and there are slow people walking in front of you. You can’t pass them and you can’t go around them since the walkway isn’t wide enough. k.d.

I want to pass you
But there's no way around you
The sale will end soon

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Writing Words or Parts of Words in ALL CAPS

It KILLS ME WHEN PEOPLE capitalize words or parts OF WORDS in a sentENCE???? How can you form words without being able to READ what you're saying? ALL CAPS IS YELLING. I HATE YOU!

Your letters assault
Writing in all caps is rude
Linguistic screaming

Saturday, September 19, 2009

People Who Politely Insult or Belittle

people who find the most polite, passive-aggressive way to insult or craftily slipped in to the conversation that you can't call them out.

I caught your dig, though it was subtle
You intend to hurt and befuddle
You're rude at best
I'm unimpressed
My swift kick will be my rebuttal

Friday, September 18, 2009

People Who Interrupt

Dervish my peeve is people who interrupt. They only think what they have to say is important. Would you set them straight. CW

Sure thing, Mom. -Dervish

I care what you say
But wait your turn, it's mine now
Jesus fucking Christ

My Mother-in-Law Sighs All the Time

I hesitate to ask you for a pittance since you've already done so much for me. I have so very many pet peeves, but my current front-runner is my mother-in-law who sighs all the time. She sighs when she sits down; she sighs... when she stands up; she sighs when there's a lull in the conversation.

I'll record you and then you will know
How often you sigh, you're a freak show
You breathe in and out
Good thing there's no spout
Wish I had a balloon you could blow

People Who Crop Watermarks Out of Professional Photos

Dear Dervish, this one is for a friend. Peeve: people who crop watermarks out of professional photos and post them on Facebook.

The watermark's there, it's like a clue
That photo doesn't belong to you
You're a real creep
That, or just cheap
If they catch you, I hope that they sue.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

When My Dinner Date Disagrees With What I Want

I want to eat sushi, he doesn't eat seafood. I want to eat in the fan, He wants a chain restaurant in Short Pump.

I like good food, you'd eat at a dump
Obviously, 'cause you chose Short Pump
Chain restaurants
Are an affront
I like you, but your taste leaves me stumped

Double Dippers

Double dipping. Need say more?

Your nacho has already been there
I can't just stand here like I don't care
You're grossing me out
I watch this and pout
I'll go elsewhere tonight for more fare

Repairman Who Don't Show When Promised

Repairmen who promise to arrive by a certain time and don't. Thank you.

You said you'd be here
You lied, or your car won't start
Either way I lose

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

People Who Pick Their Teeth at the Table

One of my pet peeves is when someone picks their teeth at the table. A toothpick is awful a fork even worse. Thanks dervish.

Pick in privacy
Some things I don't want to see
Libido vanished

People Who Text While They're With You

people who spend all their time texting while they are with you ... can't imagine that is a new one, but what the hell.

I am standing right here next to you
Texting is rude but you have no clue
I am ignored
Are you that bored?
Punching buttons has got the best of you

People Who Text and Talk While They Attempt to Drive

people who text and talk while they "attempt" to drive. -m.c.

We all question your mentality
You text and drive, it's reality
Put the phone down
You moronic clown
Let's try for one less fatality

Folks Don't Care What Bureaucrats With Insurance Think About Universal Health Care

Federal, state, and local bureaucrats who think folks in the private sector give a damn what the former think about universal health care. They ALREADY have it. D.O.

D.O., I hope I understood your request.

I have insurance
But I will try to relate
Actually, I can't

Dogs Left in Hot Cars With Just a Window Cracked

when people leave their dogs in cars in hot weather and think it is ok because the windows are that itty bitty amount of air coming in will help....LEAVE THE DOG AT HOME! - kb

How'd you like to be left in a car
The temperature of a burning cigar
You don't deserve Spot
He hates you a lot
I'd like to give you more than a scar

Being Forced to Complete Pointless Spreadheets

My employer is making my team log everything we do on a spreadsheet, feeding us some bullshit line about some accreditation company coming in to do an audit, when really we are having to prove we are working. - KK

There is no audit
You know it and I know it
Spreadsheet up your ass

The Words Ironical and Irregardless

The Words Ironical and Irregardless - A.H.
A.H. - To date, the word "irregardless" is my most frequently submitted peeve. But "ironical" is a new one. Here you go...

What you say should not ever be said
"Irregardless" should stay in your head
Find this sardonic?
It is ironic
Ironical makes me see red

Monday, September 14, 2009

People Who Tell The Same Stories Over and Over

Dervish, my friend tells us the same things over and over. It's like she doesn't remember telling us the story the first three times. And then, when someone new walks in, she tells it again. Help please. - FD

It's like your mouth got stuck in rewind
To repeat stories you are inclined
One time is enough
To hear all this stuff
We all think that you're losing your mind

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Those Who Read the Menu Aloud

dervish, one of my peeves is when my dining partner reads the menu aloud when i am reading my menu. haiku please. LM

Menu recital
I can't concentrate on mine
Here, eat my bread. Please.

People Who Say Itch Instead of Scratch

why do people say they are itching their itch when they are scratching their itch? a haiku or limerick please. - CW

I do not want to sound like a bitch
But the verb is "scratch" it is not "itch"
I'll learn you real good
To talk like you should
So next time you speak I won't twitch

Friday, September 11, 2009

People Who Mix Their Metaphors

A haiku, please for all those people who mix their metaphors. They drive me up a tree without a paddle! -BC

Keep in tact metaphors and cliches
I say if there's a will, there's a way
Don't mix up the words
One stone kills two birds
Go for broke, my way or the highway

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Republicans Who Send Me Emails I'll Never Agree With

I desperately need you to write a limerick or a haiku about Republican friends who forward me anti-Obama emails that are stupid, insulting, and childish. They all know I have a giant Obama painting in my house, so they can't be confused as to my feelings about our President. Do they think some idiotic right-wing spewing is going to change my liberal leanings?

I hate this right-wing e-mailin'
Your attempts to sway me are failin'
It may sound unkind
But it boggles my mind
That you voted for McStiff and Palin

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Using Hash Marks Instead of Smart Quotes

Using hashmarks instead of smart quotes when the designer should’ve known better. Thanks! - JH (JH, I don't know what this means, but I'll do my best - Wording Dervish)

Designers should know
Smart quotes are used by smart folks
And you are not one

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Crumbling Relics

My peeve is crumbling relics. (Today is my birthday)

Getting older sucks
It beats the alternative
So, I guess there's that

Monday, August 31, 2009

People Who Play With Their Feet in Public

Dear Dervish, I have another pet peeve: people who play with their feet in public, like picking and pulling and closely examining. Could you please address this with a limerick? Thanks, Grossed Out

You pull at your feet, I can't stand it
Public toe picking, we've banned it
What are you thinking
That shit is stinking
Stop doing that crap, I demand it

My M.Ed Degree is Worthless

Would you pretty please write me a limerick about how much it sucks that my friends and I all graduated with M.Eds and we still can't find jobs? :) Graduating class of 35 and only 10 found work...

Allow me to express frustration
With my Masters of Education
What good's my degree?
It's done squat for me
Self-taught, this next generation?

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Loud Motorcycles With No Mufflers

Motorcycles with window-shakingly loud, can't talk to the person sitting next to you-non "muffling" motorcycle mufflers. I live about 10 miles from the York PA Harley-Davidson factory, on a corner on a secondary highway, ...and fail to see why THEIR pleasure should get away with house-quake. Humph! - NW

Like a vibrator set into place
Your bike invades my personal space
It's a calamity
Causing insanity
If I find you, you'll need a neck brace

Friday, August 28, 2009

People Who Butt in Line Ahead of Us

When you're standing in line and people in front of you think it's OK to invite their friends to stand with them (before you!!) in line. Seriously, we learned to stand-in-line in 2nd grade! Who DOES that?? Can you give both haiku AND limerick?? - GB (Thank you, GB. Just one poem per peeve, sorry.)

We've all been standing here in the line
You think butting in here is just fine
You have us vexed
Now you've been hexed
By many who think you are swine

People Who Let Toothpaste Dry on Sink

Dear Wording Dervish: My peeve...people who let toothpaste dry to the bathroom isn't that far from a water source for proper rinsing...Thanks!

Your blue dots remain
Is it so hard to rinse off?
Laziness spotted

My Dog Eats His Own Poo & Pukes it Up

My dog eats his own poo and has been known to puke it up. Haiku or limerick acceptable.

My dog doesn't have very good taste
He eats and then pukes his own waste
I love the species
But not his feces
I implore him to stop it, post haste

People Who Cut in Front of My Car Then Drive Slowly

Dear Wording Dervish: haiku please, if possible. Peeve is people who cut in front of me while driving and then slow down.

What's the deal with you?
You passed me, now you drive slow
My brights shall blind you

It's 104 Degrees and I Have No AC

peeve: it's 104 degrees and i have no AC.

Hot as hell in here
Where can I go to get cool?

Stepping on Crumbs with Bare Feet

Dervish, one of my biggest pet peeves is walking on lineoleum, tile, or hardwood bare feet...and feeling crumbs, dirt, etc underfoot. UGH - LD

I've been known to drop food when I eat
But I freak feeling crumbs with my feet
I get the shivers
Stepping on slivers
Thank goodness I have yet to drop meat

The Light is Green but No Cars are Moving

Dear wording dervish, My pet peeve is when I am driving and I can see the light is green yet now one is moving....

The light has turned green
Yet each car in line sits still
Wait, now I see red

People Who Use the Word Sweetie

People who use the word “sweetie”. It’s so generic and makes them sound generic. People think they are so smooth and nurturing by calling someone else “sweetie” but everyone knows is generic.

Don't call me Sweetie 'cause it's not my name
Everyone's keen to your smooth talkin' game
You sound generic
Slightly barbaric
It's degrading, sexist, and lame

Men Who Exaggerate Their Feelings for a Girl

Men who exaggerate their feelings for a girl. When they girl isn’t even that much into them. Why do men do that? Especially, when the girl isn’t really asking them to.

You're that into me?
Don't overstate your feelings
You ain't feelin' this

People Who Don't Know the Difference Between To and Too

I hate people who don’t know the difference between to and too.

I see spelling's not your claim to fame
Words sound alike but they're not the same
You passed the third grade
But you should have stayed
Spelling "to" wrong, you should be ashamed

Plastic Strainer on Liquor Bottles

It's bad enough, Dervish, that the state-run liquor stores of Virginia echo East German meat markets, but through conditioning one can learn to suppress the rage. It's when I get my handle of Old Crow Bourbon or Burnett's Gin home, and have to remove the built-in plastic pourer, that my peevish self screams out, "Stop putting that irksome strainer between my glass and my spirits!"

Dousing my spirits
My bottle has been constrained
Darn plastic pourer

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Using Emoticons and Chatspeak When You're Over 30

Emoticons / chatspeak when you’re over 30. I mean, really. - GP

When I see her do it, I stop her
She's no longer a teenybopper
Smiley faces
Have their places
If she sends one more, I will pop her

Those Who Don't Know You're From Your

Your vs. You're - need I say more? Get it right idiots. - CD

The apostrophe
Means "you are," you idiot
You're your example

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

People Who Eat Food That's Not For Them

Dervish, we pay for food for our group at a hotel event, but it is often set up in the common area. The table has a sign indicating what meeting it is for (e.g., International Wording Dervish Convention), but people from other meetings think nothing of grabbing a cup of coffee or pastry as they pass by. Some are so bold as to continue even when asked not to. Short of installing a remote fart machine below the table to embarrass them, what can we say?

I wouldn't take food from your house
And help myself to your fine spouse
This spread's reserved
You greedy perve
Desist or your ass I will oust

My Car Inspection Sticker Has Expired

I just noticed my car inspection sticker says 7. That’s July. Meaning, last month. Could you write a haiku to help me through this difficult time? - SY

Inspection sticker
You expired last month. Oh shit.
I shall drive at night

People Who Assume I'm Racist Like Them

People who do not know me, and will automatically assume I'm racist or homophobic like them, just b/c we share the same color skin and I'm heterosexual. People that say racist remarks in my presence and assume that I will agree. - SR

Don't assume that I'm racist like you
I don't say things about blacks, gays and jews
We're not all bigots
Your big mouth, zip it
You're offensive, your thinking askew

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

People Who Think Natives are Better Than Transplants

My pet peeve is the idea that "Born Heres" are better than "Come Heres" in my little town, especially now that there are more "Come Heres" than any other "Heres" and they do more to volunteer, fund causes and support the community in general. - DC

I may have not been born in this town
But you shouldn't raise your nose and look down
I give back plenty
Much more than many
Shut your mouth, you just sound like a clown

The Terms "home made" and "from scratch"

regarding cooking, "home made" and "from scratch" both invoke my ire - rc

You're a restaurant
Not a thing here is home made
My head hurts, from scratch

When People Say "To Die For"

i hate "to die for" when used anywhere, especially concerning food, specifically chocolate

Don't say "to die for"
You wouldn't die for chocolate
But I might wish it

People Who Say Supposively

When people say "supposively" instead of "supposedly," I want to pull my hair out. BD

Don't just make up words
Supposively you do this
Oh man you're stupive

People Who Believe "What Goes Around Comes Around"

People who say "what goes around comes around." Bad things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people and good things happen to bad people and good things happen to good people. The saying should be "what goes around and what doesn't go around comes around and doesn't come around." It's called life.

Good things happen and bad things too
It's not based on the things you do
Killers post bail
Good people will fail
To your "goes around" theory, I say boo.

Monday, August 24, 2009

People Who Say I Must Have a Lot of Time on my Hands

My pet peeve is when someone has done something that they are kind of excited about or they know it's dumb but they had fun anyway, and people trivialize it by saying "they really must have a lot of time on their hands." No, they just have different priorities.

Yes, I choose to do certain things
But I don't need this wrath it brings
Please stifle your voice
If you don't like my choice
Why would you make a comment that stings?

When People (in the NE) Snicker When I Say Thank You

When I am in the Northeast, I find people sometimes snicker when I say Thank You.

I say "thank you" 'cause I was raised right
You snicker like it's comedy night
There ain't nothin' funny
'Bout sayin thanks, honey
There's this thing, it's called being polite

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Older Men Who Are Attracted Only To Very Young Women

What is it with these old guys who are only attracted to women under 30? I'm talking about guys 60+. It's disgusting.

Thirty years difference
When she's forty, you'll be dead
She's thinking ahead

People Who Ask Me How To Spell Things

My daughter has a pet peeve about people always asking her how to spell things. Why don't they learn to spell, look it up or try another word? KB for ASB.

If you can't spell a word, that's just fine
Dictionaries. They're even online
Please don't ask me
I'm no spelling bee
Your guess might be better than mine

Thursday, August 20, 2009

People Using Blackberries in Meetings

People that sit and type on their Crackberries during meetings. They should be made to leave the room. Really, you're not like a doctor or someone that needs to be on call all the time.

You lack tact but it's made up in gall
It's not like you're a doctor on call
Typing run amok
Damn you're such a schmuck
Do you mess with that thing in the stall?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Old Friend Who Never Spells My Name (Ann) Right

Is it too much to ask that one of your oldest and best friends (since 8th grade) can't spell your name correctly? Especially since it only has three letters? - Ann

You've known me for years
Why can't you spell my name right?
For god's sake, it's Ann

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Those Who Write LOL to Negate an Insult

I hate that "LOL"ing written after something insulting on a blog post to indicate someone is just kidding.

There are those who add L-O-L
I'd like them to go straight to hell
You can't take away
The mean things you say
I wouldn't laugh, then tell you you smell

Monday, August 17, 2009

People Who Can't Sleep in NYC but are Too Old to Go to Clubs

People who are in the city that never sleeps but they want to sleep yet they can't and they are too old to go out to the clubs. KP

I must say, KP, that I do not believe one is ever too old to go to clubs, however in the spirit of Wording Dervish, I will write to ease your pain.

I'm in the city that never sleeps
Lying horizontal counting sheep
Wanna shake my fanny
But they'd call me granny
I'll show them! No I wont, I'll just weep

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Multi-tasking People on Phone Conversations

it is so annoying when speaking with someone on the phone and you know they are multi-tasking. probably reading their email. a limerick or haiku please.

You're not fooling me
Talk to me or check email
Or I'll pee right now

Those Who Say "Should Have Went"

Perhaps a haiku to help those who "should have went" when they "should have gone." cw

"Should have gone" is right
More often to English class
You should have went. Ouch.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

People Who Are Late and Think Calling Exempts Them

Dear Dervish, it is so annoying when people are late. It shows a complete lack of respect for you and your time. They think a cell call to say "they are running late" is perfectly acceptable. Would you compose a haiku or limerick. -LM

Promptness means respect
Don't call me and say you're late
Wear a freaking watch

People Who Dog-Ear Library Book Pages

Please write me a limerick about those assholes who dog-ear the pages of library books. As much as I'd prefer it if you could just make these people suffocate in their sleep, I think a limerick would ease my pain. Tell them to get a book mark or to learn how to remember numbers or to finish a chapter, so a book mark is non-essential. I don't know. You're the artist. -CA

Courtesy has just disappeared
Another page I find dog-eared
You don't own this page
You belong in a cage
They make bookmarks. Go buy one. You're weird.

Friday, August 14, 2009

When My Mom Doesn't Answer Her Phone When It's Something Important

When I try to get in touch with my mom about something important and i can't. A limerick please. -RW

My mom is always one to count on
That's good cause my funds are withdrawn
But her phone keeps ringing
As my hands start tingling
I guess my guitar I will pawn

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Grownups Who Wear Their Pajamas in Public

I hate it when grownups wear their pajamas in public - AE

When you wear PJs outside we all balk
You look dumb and I can't help but gawk
You're dressed for sleep
You're lazy, a creep
Don't do it unless you sleepwalk

Old People Who Think Bathing is Unnecessary

Two people brought up old people, and it inspired me.  Why do many able-bodied people of advanced age think they don't have to bathe anymore? I'm not knocking hospice patients or people with walkers (who would?). Do they think their sweat glands departed with their teeth?  Smelly old people. I think a haiku would be splendid.

Remember bathing?
Wonderful habit. Still is.
Let's keep it up, Pops.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

People Who Don't Move So Others Can Board Transit

when you're in a crowded subway car/bus and people sit there on their iphones and don't move into the middle of the car allowing others to also board the public transit.- rm

We're boarding, move down
This is not your private car
My fart might move you

People Who Use Nonexistent Words

So, I can't seem to figure out how or when words like "alot," "atleast," and "irregardless" ever became real words.  Somehow they have since people seem to use them commonly these days, even in formal letters.  Can you come up with a limerick to ease my frustration and make me laugh?  Thanks a bunch!  - CS

I see letters that have these fake words
Not just stupid, to me it's absurd
Irregardless ain't real
It just makes me squeal
There's no brain in your head, just a turd

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Deer Who Eat my Flowers

Here’s one for you, Dervish. I love seeing deer, so graceful, so shy and humble. But they eat my flowers! Just in case they subscribe to your posts, would you send them a message about how annoying that is? Thank you.

Deer eat my flowers
How can I separate them?
Flora and fawna

Monday, August 10, 2009

Clerks Pushing Store Credit Cards to Save 10%

PLEASE, Dervish! I can't go shopping without some idiot asking me if I want to open a credit card with their store. I don't. You're ruining our economy. Yes, I'll forego the 10% savings on my $35 purchase. I've already swiped my debit card.

I don't need your card
I could buy and sell you, bitch
Give me some credit

People Who Say "Think Outside the Box"

i'm quite tired of hearing about the "box"- thinking outside of it, being in it, etc....fuck the "box"! the box is a box! - R

omg, R, that is one of my biggest peeves too! this will be fun.

"Think outside the box?"
Obviously you do not
Because you say that

Sunday, August 9, 2009

The Use of Qualified Superlatives

Dammit, Dervish! The use of the qualified superlative makes me see red; there can be only *one* best or greatest. Why do people neglect the comparative form of adjectives in favor of some mealy-mouthed qualified superlative. Muhammad Ali suggested that he was *the greatest*, and he was right. Make the statement, sin boldly, use the comparative form or just STFU. - B

Why, B, this is one of the most interesting peeves I've seen!

There can only be one that's best
I don't care about all of the rest
Please don't qualify
Your words just don't fly
Be bold, stand firm, inflate chest.

Customer Service People Who Are Rude/Entitled

customer service in retail, restaurants, wherever, has never been at such an all time low. employees act like they are being troubled just to do the job they were hired to do. i rarely hear any greeting or acknowledgment of my presence, let alone a thank you, although sometimes a gutteral grunt seems to suffice. what is going on? i am their paycheck and yet the sense of entitlement is off the charts!

I've totally had it with clerks
They're often rude and act like jerks
Without me, you've no job
You entitled snob
What you do is not even real work

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Old People Who Think They Can Be Mean

I would like to see a haiku or limerick (your choice) about old people who seem to get away with being mean just because they are old. Thank you so much. I look forward to your response. With much admiration, TNT

Yes, you're old, but still
You don't have to be so mean
Prune juice won't catch flies

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

People Who Say "Pulling the Trigger"

I hear people everywhere talk about ‘pulling the trigger’ on this or that decision. Is this vigilante chic? It’s making me a-scared. A limerick would put me at ease.

"Pull the trigger" is what some people say
This phrase is violent and to me not okay
It sounds so dramatic
Just say "let's do it" and be on your way.

The Letter e or i in Front of Words Denoting "Internet"

ive had it with the letter e or the letter i placed in front of any ole word, its all so meaningless, i am peeved and i mean it....cheers to you dervish

No more e's and i's
iPod, eHarmony, ugh
Why this vowel movement?

Everyone's Asleep But Me

I hate it when I lie awake at night for no apparent reason and I just cannot fall asleep.

Why can't I just sleep
My eyes will sting all day now
Tonight Ambien

Men Who Wear Too Much Cologne

Why must men put on so much nasty cologne? It makes me want to gag. Help me, Dervish.

There's a man who reeks of cologne
He must think he's Sylvester Stallone
Don't know what he thinks
But man he sure stinks
There's a reason that he is alone

Monday, August 3, 2009

Saying Please and Thank You

dear dervish, i don't regard myself as miss manners, but can i get a poem for please and thank you? they go a long way... towards making me not want to kick your ass!

There are some who aren't polite
Please and thank you are nowhere in sight
Raised in a barnyard?
Is it really that hard?
It's sad and plain rude and not right

Friday, July 31, 2009

People Who Say They'll Do Something, Then Don't

I know some people who, instead of just being honest up front, tell you they'll go somewhere with you or they'll do something with/for you, but they have no intention of doing so. What's their problem?

Just tell me you can't
Do you think I won't survive?
Passive aggression

People Who Don't Send Thank You Cards

Wording Dervish, why do some people think it's acceptable to not send a thank you note when they receive a gift from someone? It's just wrong. A haiku please.

A thanks would be nice
I know what your next gift is
Thank you cards. Booyah!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

People Who Drive Slow in the Fast Lane

People who drive slow in the fast lane. -S.M.

Move over so we can pass you
Behind you, we taunt and harass you
You're clueless and slow
We've somewhere to go
In thinking, my dog can surpass you

People who Patronize the Elderly

When twenty-somethings patronize the elderly with comments like, "Aren't you cute!" and "Good job, sweetie!"

Do not patronize
Everyone deserves respect
Old people can punch

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Words With a Silent P Sound

Words that/which (you choose and let me know why!) begin with a silent "P": Psychiatry, psaltery and psalm give me an itch only your limerick can scratch. - B

Dear B, I'd say "that" because the h in "which" is silent and I don't want to send you into a tizzy. Here you go...

There's a P in some words you can't hear
This consonant will just disappear
Like in psalm and psyche
But not the word spiky
Whoever wrote these loved their beer

Drivers Who Don't Yield

My pet peeve is people who ignore yield signs while driving. Are they stupid? Illiterate? Rude? I don't get it. I don't care if you write a haiku or a limerick, but please soothe my anger.

You just passed a sign that said Yield
It's in plain view, not concealed
I'd like to not die
As you rudely drive by
My road should not be a mine field.

People Who Don't Pick Up After Their Dog

Dervish, why do people think it's ok to let their dogs poo willy nilly and not pick up after them? Would they like me to poo in their yard? I think not. A haiku please.

I keep my lawn nice
And don't poop in your front yard
Pick it up, moron

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Why Don't Others See That My Dogs is Best?

Dear Dervish, I have, by any objective standard, one of the world's most comic and charming dogs. My peeve is this: Why is this not obvious to everyone else?

Anyone should see
My dog is superior
Kids? Why do you ask?

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Parents Who Bring Kids to Inappropriate Movies

Parents who bring their toddlers to in-theatre movies riddled with sex and profanity rather than sacrifice the popcorn money and get a sitter? C.L.

Sitter cost too much?
Tickets and popcorn paid for
You should not have spawned

Toothpickers Who Redeposit Their Find

People who upon completion of a meal pick their teeth, find some debris and put it back in their mouths. This is truly disgusting. Really. Stop. - A.B.

I saw what you found in your tooth
Picking teeth is truly uncouth
Then you swallowed your find
What is wrong with your mind
I'll now move to another booth.

People With Stupid Quotations Under Their Email Signatures

People who add dumbass "share thoughts" to their e-mail autosignatures.
There are very few such thoughts out there that will please everyone and chances are those who use them are not savvy enough to get that. This leaves the typical "Smile, it makes people wonder what you've been doing" offerings. They should be burnt offerings. Boo hiss.

Your sigs disturb me
"Smile, it makes people wonder"
Delete these due haste

Monday, July 13, 2009

People Who Bring Their Babies To Listening Rooms

Wording Dervish, we went to a coffee shop "listening room" the other night to hear a singer/songwriter. Someone brought their newborn who did what newborns are expected to do - cry. Who would do that? A haiku please.

You are bad parents
There were songs we did not hear
We pity that child

Sunday, July 12, 2009

People Who Litter

People who litter! I live in a condominium complex, and someone throws out the detritus of their McDonald’s meal at least once a week, right on the entrance road. There is usually a soda or beer can, too. So what’s the story here?? Their spouse doesn’t know they eat at Micky D’s? They don’t own a trash can? I’m getting tired of picking up after them!

You litter weekly
Mickey D's trash mars the road
Fast food rots the brain

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Mispronunciation of Realtor

One of my pet peeves is when people mispronounce "realty" and "realtor"--adding that extra syllable that doesn't exist drives me nuts! It's real-tee and real-tor folks, aarrgg. Help me Wording Dervish!

Real-a-tor isn't a word, you know
Your pronunciation sure blows
You say ath-a-lete too
And I think less of you
To extra syllables, just say no.

Friday, July 10, 2009

The Overuse of the Word "Absolutely"

i hate the over use of the word absolutely, using that word does not make you seem smarter

You think you sound smart
Does it make me hate your guts?
Absolutely dude


I hate them. Give me a limerick.

There are those who breathe with mouth open
Oh please shut it, that's what I am hopin
Sounds like Garrison Keillor
You need some lip sealer
Shut it or I'll shove cantaloupe in

People Who Pronounce it "Betch"

You pronounce it "bitch"
I betch you think you sound cool
You are mistaken

People Who Drive in the Shoulder And Cut into Lanes

After traveling to NY recently I have been most peeved by people who try to cut ahead of traffic jams by driving on the shoulder! Where are the cops when you need them? And who are the idiots who let them back in after they skip ahead? Not I, not I, I say.

No one likes traffic
But we don't use the shoulder
Cause we're not assholes

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

People Who Can't Put Things in the Trash Can

Certain people (men) in my life seem incapable of putting their trash inside of a trash can. They put it on the floor, the counter, the bed, etc. It's really peeving me. A limerick please.

All around the trash can, your litter
This habit is making me bitter
Put trash in the bucket
Or I’ll leave and say fuck it
If I slip on one more slimy corn fritter

Monday, July 6, 2009

People Who Use Twitter

My biggest pet peeve at the moment is Twitter. I hate people that use it. You are hardly important enough to use these useless piece of technology. You are not a celebrity, nor a business with anything to advertise (and most times not used correctly--it's called "techno ecstasy," look it up). Therefore, I could care less if you waiting in line at Subway for a BMT, hold the mayo, or shopping for tights at "Forever 21."

There are lots of morons who tweet
On Twitter, they don't miss a beat
I don't give a rat's ass
'Bout every thought that they pass
Here's my thought, come suck on my teet

Thursday, July 2, 2009

People Who Describe People By Color, Religion, etc.

Dervish, I hate it when people describe someone and say "this black guy" or "this Indian lady," etc. when that description has nothing to do with what they're talking about.

Don't tell me he's black
You just sound like a racist
Um, because you are

Thursday, June 25, 2009

People Who Say Expresso and Excape

I don't know why it irks me, but it does. Why do people say "expresso" instead of "espresso?" I even see signs that say it wrong. And excape? Really?

Espresso escape
There is no X in either
Express correctly.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Peopled Who Use "Impact" Instead of "Affect"

My pet peeve is bad grammar. I especially hate it when people use the noun 'impact' as a verb. Whatever happened to affect?

It seems language is now infected
The verb impact I have rejected
Did you flunk English lit
You illiterate twit
It's the wrong word you have selected.

Why Do People Say Ax Instead of Ask?

I hate when people say "ax" for "ask." I'm still trying to figure that one out because I've heard "educated" people say it...

You say ax not ask
Put the s before the k
Why can't you say it?

People Who Chew Their Gum Loudly

People who chew their gum loudly with all kinds of snap, crackle and pop (absolutely drives me nuts!!!)

Snap crackle and pop
Your chewing drives me insane

Friday, June 19, 2009

Young Women Who Dress the Same in Groups

my peeve: when i go out (to the mall, movies, grocery store, park, etc.) and i see girls my age that are dressed the same and walking around together... come on girls! we are not in middle school anymore! hehe...

Jeans or skirt tonight?
I'll do what you do, girlfriend
Who's the president?

Having To Wash Hands in Restroom When Not Needed

It peeves me when I'm taking a pee next to a co-worker and we both feel inclined to wash our hands when we're finished — even though i do the elbow flush and paper towel door open. Most perfect the art of not touching anything in the restroom to pee at a young age and this fake gesture of cleanliness I do find absurd. - A limerick for you G.G. on one of the strangest topics yet.

I can pee, nothing touched, as it stands
Easy to do without using hands
But I visit the sink
So no one makes a stink
Every time I visit the can.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

People Who Read A Newspaper Article to Me

When people read a newspaper article out loud to me before I get a chance to see it for myself.

Your reading irks me
Premature recitation
Guess I'll watch TV

People Who Chew With Their Mouth Open

People who chew with their mouths open. (Apparently, this is a popular subject this week. Here's another one.)

There once was a girl who was chatty
When she spoke we'd see food that was fatty
We found her disgusting
For her no one was lusting
I'd tell her myself but I'm catty.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Pants with Writing on the Butt is Not Attractive

Hmmm. . . this may not exactly be a pet peeve, but I find shorts/sweatpants with large writing (particularly "JUICY") on the butt the ultimate fashion don't. Sure thing, LF...

I see it everywhere that I look
I'm not sure how such a thing took
Those words on your rump
Make you look like a chump
If I want to read I'll grab me a book

People Who Say You'uns As the Plural of You

The use of you'uns for the plural form of you.
A haiku for you, RG...

Podunk town or not
No one should say you'uns man
I'uns think you're dumb

Why Don't People Know How to Use an Apostrophe?

Misplaced/misused apostrophes - mostly the your/you're mistake but also when using them to pluralize a noun. - JH

It's not needed before every "s"
There are rules, don't just use your best guess
There are lots of resources
If you failed all your courses
Your ignorance causes me stress

People Who Chew Gum With Their Mouth Open

People who insist on letting me see the gum in their mouths as they're chewing it. I'd just as soon not see that their jaws are moving, but to see the gum really trips something in me. A limerick please.

In your spit I can see your gum stewing
Mouth open, I'm practically spewing
You're acting so piggly
Close lips with your Wrigley
Please learn lesson one of gum chewing.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I Hate Hiccups

Hiccups! Why o why must I be reminded that I didn't eat or drink properly? They are so annoying. Even if I find the remedy, they're still lingering for the next wave.

At least belches pass
Hiccups linger and frustrate
Kind of funny though

People Who Say "Less" Instead of "Fewer"

My pet peeve—and I must be very old-fashioned, because it happens more often than not—is people saying “less” instead of “fewer” when referring to discrete items. I’ve even heard an NPR newscast say “…less soldiers in Iraq.” ARGGHHH!!! - KC
KC - I share that peeve with you. Here you go...

You speak, my ears bleed
Say fewer, not less, sound good?
How'd you get your job?

Monday, June 15, 2009

People Who Talk with Their Mouth Full of Food

How about people who stuff their mouths full of food and still keep talking? Yuch! For you, L.R.

Asparagus, yes?
I don't want to see that shit
Swallow, then talk. Kay?

I Don't Like Non-Compact Cars Parked in Compact Spaces.

i do not appreciate people with non-compact cars parking in compact spaces. thank you.

You're in the wrong spot
Your car, like your ass, is large
Park where you belong

I Hate When People Forward Emails Without Checking Validity

I'm annoyed by people who blast out emails without checking the facts first. True, I've been guilty once, but a dear friend enlightened me to Now, I'm either the one who "breaks the chain" or tries to politely tell them to GET THEIR FACTS STRAIGHT FIRST. L.P.

I hear ya on that one, L.P.

You forward emails
Trigger happy and naive
Check snopes. True? Then send.

Don't Ask Me to Join Your Facebook Cause/Group/Page

I hate constant requests for endorsement of things that you're only marginally aware of, like Facebook Causes you're really not into or crappy band pages or amateur photography pages, etc. A haiku please. TI

It's your cause, not mine
I have a few of my own
Want to join mine...hmmm?

When I Ask How Your Weekend Was, Be Brief.

Hello there - A limerick would be apropos. If I ask you how your weekend was, I'm usually looking for an abbreviated version - I'm being nice. If you insist on telling me about each of your personal triumphs: consider returning the greeting! -signed S

If I ask if your weekend was good
Keep it short, as the rest of us would
Your details just bore me
If I did that, you'd abhor me
You think I care? You misunderstood.

Service & Delivery People Who Don't Show Up

What I hate: Having to stay home for service and delivery people who schedule an arrival time that spans many hours. Example: "The service technician will be at your home between 10 am and 3 pm." What I love: Limericks

There once was a man who fixed cable
"He'll come by three," oh that was a fable
I took off from work
You lumbering jerk
Your legs I would gladly disable

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Girls Who Wear Uggs in the Summer

Girls who wear Uggs in the summertime (or when there is no snow in the forecast). **shudder**

Ugly in winter
But plain stupid in summer
Swimsuit in the snow?

People In Express Line With Too Many Items

Will you write about people who get in express check out lines with way too many items?
Cheers, Ron. For you, Ron...

This here is a lane for express
The sign says ten items or less
But you have far more
You greedy line whore
You can count, go on and confess.

You Say "Can We Fix This?" But You Mean Me. Say "You."

I hate when people say, "Can we do this," or "Can we fix this..." You and I aren't fixing anything. I'm the one that's fixing it. So..just say...can YOU fix it? Thanks, CLC

We can do that for ya, CLC!

You try to sound nice
But no, you're condescending
Why don't you bite us?

I Hate Car Alarms. We Must Do Away With Them.

Wording Dervish, one of my biggest peeves is car alarms. When an alarm goes off, no one, absolutely no one thinks, "oh my! that car is being stolen. we must call the cops." They are annoying and should be banned. A haiku please. - K

Sure thing, K.

Like a goose, it honks
Awake now, we roll our eyes
It serves no purpose.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

People Who Say "Tee Hee" When Things Are Funny

Wording Dervish, I can't stand when people add a comment or respond to anything they believe to be funny and follow it with the absurd, sophomoric and utterly stupid "tee hee." A haiku please - Poo Poo on Tee Hee

For you Poo Poo,

Just knock that shit off
Your damn "tee hee" to show glee
What are you, like nine?

Monday, June 8, 2009

Coatless Women in Cold Weather

Dear Dervish, it makes me crazy when I see young women out at night when it's cold but they won't wear a coat lest men think they're not sexy. I worry for them and their future offspring.

You think you're sexy
Bare arms in January
You're not. You're stupid.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

American Idol is Over. What to do Now?

Tuesdays and Wednesdays
No life, we followed like sheep
Now we are idle.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

People Who Spread Germs in Public

Dear Dervish, I hate when people cough or sneeze into their hands in public, and then immediately touch something that other people necessarily have to touch, like a door handle, a railing, or one of those support poles on the Metro. We all saw what you just did and we're not only disgusted by you, but you've effed with our day, because now we have to make the choice between bracing ourselves on the moving train or catching whatever swine flu you're passing around. Thanks. In lieu of a bottle of Purell, can I get a haiku or limerick?

I once saw man who spread spittle
Sneezed in his hand, I'm not talkin a little
Spread his germs on the railing
Someone soon will be ailing
Screw you and your germy transmittal.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

People Who Don't Knock & Barge Into Bathrooms, etc.

I hate it when people don't knock on public bathroom or fitting room doors. They just barge in, when the lock doesn't work. Doesn't anyone knock anymore? - DK

I hate that too, DK. Here ya go...

You should have knocked, fool
Locks don't always work you know
Who's embarrassed now?

People Who Say "Have a Blessed Day."

Dear Dervish,
I hate god fearing souls who feel like they need to put their faithitude out there, ending conversations and/or e-mails with "have a blessed day." Can you send them to their imaginary hell with a fine line or two?

Sure thing, Beelzebub...

"Have a blessed day"
Damn you and your blessedness
Keep your god private

Men Who Head to Restroom with Reading Material

I hate it when male coworkers tuck a pile of reading material under their arm and saunter proudly to the men's room. - VB

Some of my finest work here for you, VB...

You see, there's this guy at my work
He enters the john with a smirk
With a magazine or two
So he can make doo
I hope it's just that, not a jerk.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

People Who Say "Have a Good One"

Wording Dervish, I hate when people say "have a good one" but they don't specify what the "one" is.

Your haiku, TC...

Drives me freaking nuts
You and your chipper greeting
Day? Life? Trip? Time? What?

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

People Who Ask "Have You Lost Weight?"

Wording Dervish, Why do people think saying, "Have you lost weight?" is a compliment? All is says to me is that I'm fat and that they notice. Would you please write me an appropriate haiku? Thank you, WD. M. C. Fatass

For you, M.C.F. (I'm sure they meant that you looked good)

Now I think I'm fat.
Was I a lardass before?
I look good. Say it.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

People Who Write "Enjoy!" on a Recipe

I've tasted a dish someone's made and I like it, so I request the recipe. They give me the recipe and write "Enjoy!" at the bottom. But, I already enjoyed it. That's why I requested the recipe. Sheeesh. Don't write "Enjoy!" It gets my goat.

Your haiku, A.B.:

Enjoy? What the fuck?
I already enjoyed it
Are you dyslexic?

Monday, May 4, 2009

People Who are Just Pricks.

People who are just pricks and no matter how you try to have a pleasant interaction with them, they persist on acting like pricks.

A haiku for you, KP, for this very prevalent problem.

I try to be nice
But you're just a total prick
Karma. Look it up.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I'm Sick at Home and Can't Make Soup

Would you please write me a haiku about being home sick and wishing
somebody would make me soup? Thank you Wording Dervish. Woe is me.

Dear MCE, I hope you feel better. Maybe this will cheer you up...

Home sick in the bed
Can't stand, can't cook, woe is me
I shall dream of soup

Monday, April 20, 2009

People Who Don't Show Up for an Appointment

Someone sets up an appointment with you. They don't bother showing up and they don't call to cancel. When you leave a message saying, "Hope everything's okay. I thought we had an appointment, blah blah blah'. They never call to explain what happened or apologize. I hate rental property.

Your requested haiku, KP...

The appointment's set
Where is your sorry ass, bitch?
I'm missing Idol.

Monday, April 6, 2009

People Who Say "Passed Away" Instead of Died

Wording Dervish, my peeve is people who use euphemisms like "passed" or "passed away" when someone died. Why is "died" such an offensive word?

KP. Here is your haiku.

Gas passes. Folks die.
Saying "passed" won't bring them back.
They're dead now. Face it.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

People Who Drive Huge Vehicles

People who "drive" giganormous SUVS and trucks....
Makes me nuts when people who cannot peer over the dash or gauge any distance whatsoever drive at perilously slow or fast speeds, ooze in and out of tight parking spots, straddle lane lines, and inch into intersections. would the wording dirvish spin a little something to soothe my soul?

Surely, LF...

I think you're a fool
to drive that honkin big truck
How small is your dick?

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Public Nose Pickers Are Disgusting

PEOPLE WHO PICK THEIR NOSES UNABASHEDLY IN PUBLIC. on the flight from richmond to dallas, there was a man sitting diagonally in front of me who sat reading his paper and picking his nose enthusiastically and then compulsively rubbing his fingers together for moments at i time. i was so horrified and kept looking away, but my eyes were drawn back to him over and over, because i just couldn't believe it was happening. jesus!

OK, MS. You didn't specify haiku or limerick so I'll pick. Ouch. Bad word choice.

You're the man on the plane that I caught
Picking your nose, you disgust me a lot
No one else fidgets
Green goo 'tween their digits
You think it's cool, but it'snot.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Conceited Entitled Grad Students

Dear Wording Dervish:
Would you please write a haiku about conceited, entitled grad students? I want to smack them upside the head sometimes.

This is for you, Anonymous...

Step off your throne, twirp
I have the degree you seek
Smack, upside the head

Monday, March 9, 2009

This is not a pet peeve. But the Wording Dervish shall make an exception. Garbage men are heroic for taking away all of our undesirables in the snowdrifts and sweltering days.
Plus they are totally ripped. As in hot.

They take away trash
No matter rain or snowstorm
Throw me in the truck.

Pregnancy peeve

dear wording dervish, i have hot dog fingers and no warm weather maternity clothes, and my pod is as hot, humid and stinky as paris hilton's vajay. save me with your well-articulated humor and wit! - fatty mc fat fat

There once was a woman with child
She felt that her garb was unstyled
Her office was hot
And she felt she was not
But around her we all were beguiled

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Don't Say "Cheers" Instead of "Thanks" or "Bye!"

This haiku is for you J...

Why do you say cheers?
"Goodbye" or "thanks" dude, say it.
You think you're British?

Monday, February 16, 2009

People Who Chew with their Mouth Open

Wording Dervish, I hate the sounds people make when they chew with their mouth open. It turns my stomach, a more repulsive sound cannot be found. - R

Do you not hear it?
Close your mouth when you're chewing
I want to puke now.

Let Me Finish a Damn Sentence

For you RTC...

You think you know what I'll say
But impatience is all you display
Let me finish my sentence
You're due for repentance
Is it rudeness or naivete?

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Young Men Who Flirt with Older Women

Please create a limerick for me about young men who flirt with older women with no intention of dating them, but just to test out their manhood instead.

A limerick for you Anonymous...

I know a young man who's a flirt
I'm older, but not a pervert
To him it's a game
To tease the heart of this dame
I shall eat him tonight for dessert

Friday, January 30, 2009

Kids Who Say "Epic" Instead of "Ironic"

Every white kid between the ages of 19 and 22 is using the word 'epic' instead of 'ironic' without a second though. The only thing epic so far about their lives is the inability to retain the simplest principles of appropriate diction between high school english in NOVA and sophomore year in college an hour south. Please give me a haiku for this, Wording Dervish.

Know what's ironic?
Kids who say "epic" instead
Stupid little fucks.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

My Clothes Smell Like the Food I Just Ate

For you, M.O.

My dinner was good
No reminder is needed
Buy an exhaust fan.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Car Alarms are Pointless

This one's for me. Damn car alarms do nothing but wake me up.

What's with car alarms?
They go off and no one looks
What's the fucking point?