Tuesday, December 16, 2008

People Who Dress Inappropriately for the Weather

Your haiku, FD...

It's really cold out
But you're in shorts and flip flops
I think you're stupid

Thursday, December 4, 2008

People Who Force Sweets on Coworkers at the Holidays

For you Anonymous...

There sits a guy in the next cubby
He's trying to make us all chubby
He brings in his treats
To enlarge ass and teets
I shall beat his sweet head with a clubby.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Being Given a Design Job That Someone Else Started

Here's the exact request...
ok, so when i have to work off of someone elses InDesign file I am expected to continue working with the file that THEY created. nine times out of ten, the way they set up their file is wack/wrong/stupid/plain dumb. it's like no one has every taught these "designers" how to use the tools they need to know correctly. and most of the time, they've been designing longer then me. wtf? so here i am, trying to dissect/decipher this monster of a file and taking up more time. and so my boss man (or woman, if need be) is waiting for me to finish and thinking, "man, this new guy SUCKS! what is taking him so long?"

Your haiku, M.O.

Your file is done wrong
May as well start this from scratch
I hate this damn job.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I Hate Wimpy Handshakes

Here's your limerick TNT...

There once was a man that I met
Shaking his hand, I still regret
It felt lifeless and puny
Something cartoony
Like a fish that flopped out of a net.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Cold in the Winter (vs. cold in the summer)

For JP...

It's cold as shit man
Witch's titties kind of cold
Key West's soundin' good.

People Who Say Nuther Instead of Other or Another

For my friend Tim...

Use your syllables
The word is "a-noth-er" dude
"Nuther" burns me up.

People Who Put Pics of Themselves with Their Lame Boyfriends as FaceBook Profile Pic

This haiku is for Dr. J...

Don't you have pictures
Of your foxy self...alone?
Your boyfriend is lame

People Who Touch Pregnant Bellies Without Permission

For you, my dear TE...

How 'bout asking first?
My pregnant belly's not yours
Get your paws off me

Thursday, November 27, 2008

People Who Do Not Dispose of Their Cigarette Butts Properly

For C, D and K...

What are you thinking?
The world is not your ashtray
The streets are gross now.

People Who Still Use Checks at the Grocery Store

This one's for me...

You are kidding me
Why not barter with bear skin
My ice cream's melting

Monday, November 24, 2008

People Who Drive With Dogs in the Back of their Trucks

For you, KB...

I drive and I think "what the fuck"
This guy's dog's in the bed of his truck
Are you trying to end
The life of your best friend
Even poor Fido thinks you're a schmuck.

Love Me or Love Me Not

Here's your limerick, KM...

Our love's like a revolving door
My heart spins and it always wants more
Either stay in or stay out
I've had my fill of your doubt
This ole gal ain't gonna be your whore.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Suburbanites Who Eat Only at Chain Restaurants

Your limerick, Ms. S.

There are many who prefer the mundane
They'll only eat out at a chain
Well I beg your pardon
There's more to life than Olive Garden
Eat out with you? I think I'll abstain.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

I Have No Dates and Eat Carbs Instead

Here's your requested limerick, ME.

My dating life has been somewhat quiet
It's disappointing and I can't deny it
So I'll sit home with my dog
And down carbs like a hog
And read of the wack South Beach Diet.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Lovers to Whom You Give Your Soul Who Later Turn Into Jackasses

This haiku is for you, J (and probably many others)

You said you loved me
You lying sack of pig shit
Better men want me.

A Haiku for Those Who Don't Respond When Spoken To

For you WD...

You give no response
I speak, and you just sit there
Are you fucking deaf?

Folks Who Don't Signal When They Change Lanes.

This one's for you, TE.

Use your blinker, ass
Your death wish is not my own
Pretend it's your wang.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Create a Haiku for People Who Say "No Problem" Instead of "You're Welcome"

I've heard this pet peeve more than once (I even share it). Here's your haiku, FL...

No problem? Fuck no.
That ain't what you say, you fool.
No need to thank me.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Create a Haiku for Cocksuckers in BMWs

Today's request "cocksuckers in BMWs"
Here's your haiku, JP...

You drive a Beamer
Compensating for something?
You fucking asshole.

Friday, November 14, 2008

How this thing works

If you would like a personalized limerick or haiku (and really, who wouldn't?), please provide me with specific information about your pet peeve or the offending party, and specify whether you prefer a limerick or haiku. See text at top left of blog for detail. You will likely receive your requested prose within 24 hours and it will be posted on this site - sometimes within minutes! Now that's a dervish with impressive turnaround.

Please remember the Wording Dervish is a bit vicious and cuts to the quick, so if you're looking for lovely prose, you've come to the wrong spot.

Still not sure? Here are some examples...

The Offender: People who hit "reply all" instead of "reply" when responding to emails.
The Limerick:
There once were some clueless emailers
They were dumb as whisky drenched sailors
They'd hit reply all
with no thought at all
to me, they'll always be failures.

The Offender: People who think others should dress up their dogs in cute clothes.
The Limerick:
I've become a bit of a fretter
when i see a dog with no sweater
Go dress up your dog!
You unstylish warthog!
And then I'll be feeling much better.

The Offender: A boss who just fired me is having a birthday
The Haiku:
It's your day of joy
But I wish you choke on cake
You're just older now.