Thursday, December 31, 2009

Those Who Don't Respond to an Invitation

Not responding to invitations, both formal (e.g. wedding invitation with reply card) and informal (Evite, email, phone call). L.F.

I invited you
You too busy to respond?
Next time, you can't come

Someone Talks to Me from Another Room

I find it so annoying when my significant other talks to me from another room in the house. The water is usually running and the door is closed. Why dervish why?

You talk to me from a room far away
Come closer for me to hear what you say
Are you dumb, or lazy
Or maybe just crazy
If your words were a color, they'd be gray

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Fools Who Drive 30 in a 60 mph Zone

Selfish idiots who insist on driving at sub-30mph in a 60mph zone, in the rush-hour. they appear oblivious to the 20 cars queued up behind them. would they do the same on foot? probably. grrrr! :-) - B.G.

The speed limit's 60, but you don't care
You're in no rush to get from here to there
More than slow, you're dumber
So backed up, need plumber
Hand gestures behind you, you're unaware

A Roommate Who Won't Buy Household Supplies

Roommate who don't buy household items, i.e. dish soap, toilet paper, light bulbs, batteries, paper towels, cleaning products, etc. - E.N.

You seem to like having toilet supplies
If you bought them it would be a surprise
If I stop buying
Your ass air-drying
Little by little you would be Baptized


Drivers only a few feet from my rear end can easily see there's dozens of cars ahead of me driving bumper to bumper, except for moi, in the passing lane and there's no opening to escape to. I hate tailgaters.

You're behind me and feel you must pass
I'm boxed in yet you ride up my ass
Just slow the hell down
You aggressive clown
I wish that my car could pass gas

My Favorite Caramels Are Gone From Box of Christmas Candy

Finding all my favorite chocolate caramels gone from my box of Christmas candy. - M.G.

Chocolate caramels just can't be beat
What a nice gift, my favorite treat
But there's been a thief
Sadness, disbelief
When I find who ate them, they're dead meat

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Texting to Return a Phone Call Wastes My Time

People who reply to your voicemail with a text message and then continue to have a 10 minute text conversation with you when a 2 minute phone conversation would be so much quicker/easier.- M.O.

Return my phone call, that would be sublime
When you text in return, it wastes my time
I chose not to text
Now you have me vexed
If I ask for lemon, don't give me lime

Sunday, December 20, 2009

I Instant Message You and You Come See Me in Person. Don't Do That.

People who work in the office next to me...and I mean the next office over on the same floor in the same building, not the next building, and upon receiving my IM, immediately walk into my office to talk about it. I'm IMing you for a reason, dumbass. Beat it.

If I wanted to talk face-to-face
I would have walked over to your place
I instant messaged you
Why can't you get the clue?
What did I do with that can of mace?

Not Having Change Ready at the Toll Booth

People who pull up to the toll booth and then start looking for change. Really? Screw you. -A.B.

When you pull up at the toll, you search for change
This happens so often, I find it strange
I have mine ready
My speed stays steady
You give new meaning to being shortchanged

Saturday, December 19, 2009

I am Asked to Punch in Numbers After I've Already Done It

Dervish, we've all experienced calling the phone or cable company and being asked to punch in our phone number, pin and whatever else they can think of to slow the process. Eventually, you reach a human who asks the for same information. What's up with this?

I punched in numbers that were requested
You ask again, my patience is tested
Why ask me twice?
That's not very nice
This is why your company's detested

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Cartoon Movies That Get History Wrong

Cartoon movies that get history wrong. Please help us eliminate this tragic art form. It's wrecking my history classes. A limerick on this would be fantastic.

I see cartoon movies and just shake my head
Their history lessons are something I dread
Just sing a nice song
'Cause your facts are all wrong
Kids might learn even more from Dawn of the Dead

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Market Clerks Who Ask if I Found Everything but don't Help

When checking out at the supermarket the clerk asks "did you find everything you were looking for?" If the response is "no I couldn't find any..." I am greeted with a blank stare. What do you say dervish?

If you can't assist, then why have you asked?
Your indifference is not at all masked
I need granules of kelp
And you are no help
What's in that cash drawer, dumb juice in a flask?

Friday, December 11, 2009

Dogooders Who Try to Make You Feel Guilty

People who do good things for people, animals, the environment - whatever - and try to make you feel like less of a person if you don't do exactly what they do. Just because I don't flaunt my volunteerism, doesn't mean I don't do as much as you do.

Yes, it is true, you are a good person
Without folks like you, our world would worsen
But I do things too
I just don't tell you
It's just not needed, all this coercin'

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Those Who Say "Anymore" Instead of "Now"

I want to fly into a rage when I hear people use the word "anymore" instead of the word now. -DF

When you say "anymore" instead of "now"
It gets my blood boiling, I have a cow
Please speak correctly
I ask directly
When you talk, it hurts my ears. Big time ow.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Friends Who are Crazy Yet I Remain Their Friend

Being friends with crazies who deny global warming or think Obama's a Kenyan, and not being able to unfriend them because the spectacle is just too great.

You're out of your mind
Yet I claim you as a friend
Perhaps I'm crazy

Racially Offensive Comments Posted on Online Articles

Peeve: Racially offensive comments beneath every article on every internet news site! The articles don't even have to have anything to do with race, yet half of the comments are!

Why do online comments focus on race?
Even on articles about outer space!
Race has no relation
To a launched space station
Publish this...shut the hole in your racist face

Monday, December 7, 2009

Man I Dated Now Thinks I'm Adorable & Wants to be Just Friends

Finding out after 3 dates and epic sex that he thinks that I'm "adorable" and he just wants to be friends. Man. Adorable is the kiss of death. Adorable does not equal sex. I'm not a kitten.

He says I'm not cute, I'm adorable
I find this description deplorable
The sex came to an end
He just wants a good friend
I never knew precious was horrible

Those Who Forget How to Drive in the Snow

Upon 50+ car accidents during the first snow of the season, here is my latest peeve: people who forget how to drive in snow from one winter to the next. You live in North Dakota, for Pete's sake. You should know this by now.

There are rules when you drive in the snow
Watch your distance, stay steady and slow
When things start to freeze
I beg on my knees
Recall the road rules you used to know

Handshakes That are Too Strong (and Painful)

Dear Dervish, please help me articulate my displeasure with well-meaning folk who feel the need to squeeze when shaking my hand until I almost cry out in pain.

A strong handshake is good, but good lord
When we met and we shook I was floored
That is not a good move
Whatchu trying to prove?
Others' signals and pain you've ignored

People Who Smoke With Kids in the Car

One of my chief pet peeves is people who smoke in their cars with their kids inside. Smoke all you want, dudes, but don't make your kids breathe it in... yah know? JM

You choose to smoke, and that is your right
But don't do it with windows airtight
You're killing your kids
All good sense forbids
Children shouldn't have to suffer this plight

Sunday, December 6, 2009

People Who Make Videos of Themselves Discussing Unimportant Stuff

People who make videos of themselves discussing unimportant stuff with themselves. -RM

Your videos are boring as dirt
I'm sorry to be so blunt and curt
When you upload
Our minds implode
Watch them? I'd rather iron a shirt.

Neighbors' Noise and Smoke that Travel Upstairs

I have really horrible downstairs neighbors. They are very loud when I am trying to sleep at night and now that it has turned colder, they are smoking inside! The smoke is coming up through my heat vents and I do not enjoy breathing in the smelly grossness. Please give me a good haiku or limerick that I can post on their door!

From downstairs your smoke is invasive
Through vents, noise and stench are abrasive
Consider neighbors more
Or we'll clog on the floor
When pushed, we can be quite persuasive.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

When I'm Corrected by Someone in Public (and they're wrong)

Dervish, it drives me crazy when someone "corrects" me in public. But it especially gets me when their "correction" is incorrect. Please ease my pain. Haiku or limerick, I don't care.

You corrected me
In front of others, to boot
Wrong again, dumbass

People Who Show Me Personal Pictures That I Don't Care About

People who want to show you their pictures of something you're not interested in seeing, and they'll show you dozens and dozens and dozens...

If I wanted to see, I'd have said it
Enough with the pictures, I dread it
I couldn't care less
'Bout your kid's prom dress
Good lord, won't you please learn to edit.

People Behind Me are Called to New Checkout Lane

Dervish, when I am waiting on line (usually in the supermarket) for my turn to check out and a new register opens the young clerk often does not take the next person in line. Am I invisible or what?

A new line opens
She calls the man behind me
How does that make sense?

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Jerk Sitting in Front of Me on an Airplane

peeve of the day (yes, I have one every day): the baby daddy in front of me on the airplane who thought it was cool to be a jerk to his baby wife and daughter. Seriously, like it's her fault she married him and her fault that he was her sperm donor.

There's a jerk in front of me on the plane
If he keeps this up I will go insane
He screams at his wife
The love of his life
I knew I should have taken the train

Outsourcing Customer Service to Another Country

Dervish, My peeve is outsourcing. Can you imagine a phone conversation with someone way off in a distant land when you are trying to explain your orthotics did not arrive? Try it. It's good for a laugh if it doesn't drive you batty.

Outsourcing has gotten way out of hand
I call for help and reach another land
I get very nervous
At customer service
In India for an American brand