Sunday, March 28, 2010

My Fat Cats Harass Me Even as I Feed Them

A "pet" peeve: two cats that weigh enough to be four cats who whine incessantly for food. And continue to harass me with their meows even as I am putting the food in their dishes. - E.N.

My fat kitties need to be on a diet
They're gigantic and can't ever stay quiet
They meow when they're fed
I should starve them instead
Mouth and stomach, I might staple or tie it

People Who Unwrap Candy During a Quiet Scene in the Movie Theater

I don't understand those who eat popcorn loudly and unwrap their candy during a movie - and it's always during the quiet scenes. Unwrap when there's loud music, fool!

Your theater food unwrapping is distracting
My friends and I are not over reacting
You're rude and bug us a lot
You took our minds from the plot
Here's an Oscar for worst in-theater acting

People Who Use Scented Deodorant in Place of Soap

People who apply scented deodorant as a substitute for bathing.

Ain't no substitute for soap
You're fooling no one

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Teething. It Hurts My Baby and I Hate it.

My 11-month-old is teething again/still/forever and as soon as one comes through, another starts pushing on the gums. She hates it, I hate it, and I think it requires being Dervish-ized. - L.D.B

It seems teeth should miraculously appear
Why they must cause such suffering isn't clear
When teeth cut through gums
Often thought by mums...
Is eleven months too young for wine or beer?

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Having to Work Inside on a Beautiful Day

Having to sit inside working on a beautiful first day of Spring. -C.S.

When they said "sorry, gotta work" I thought "what the frick?"
Being stuck inside today feels like a dirty trick
Outside the sun is shining
To be there, I am pining
I'll show them, next sunny day, guess who will call in sick!

Imperfect Balance of Hot Fudge to Ice Cream

An imperfect balance between hot fudge and vanilla ice cream...get it right or don't do it! -D.T.

Vanilla, hot fudge
When there's imperfect balance
In my head I scream

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Kids Who Ask Questions of Me Before I've Had Coffee

Kids who fire questions at me expecting answers on the spot BEFORE I've had my coffee. -K.H.

Questions are firing from my toeheaded sweeties
But I can't answer, as I've not had my Wheaties
My answers just won't flow
Til my third cup of joe
Let me drink this coffee and put up my feeties

Plastic Packaging That I Cannot Get Open

My irk? Packaging. It's easier to break into Brinks then to open some of this new-fangled packaging. Leave it to a piece of plastic to make me feel like a senior. Argggg.- H.R.M

Like a chastity belt, this package stays closed
I cannot get the contents inside exposed
I'm trying real hard
My fingers are scarred
I won't buy this brand again, I've been hosed.

Search Committees Who Don't Hire What They Seek

Search committees who advertise for one set of criteria but hire for another. -L.F.

Hey, search committee
You seek this, yet you hire that

Glenn Beck Says Leave Church if they Tout Social Justice

Ok, give me a zinger for Glenn Beck saying we should WALK OUT of any church that promotes social justice. WTF? -K.C.

Glenn Beck says leave your church if they're for social justice
He says that's a code word, we should leave or he'll bust us
His words are meant to shock
Yet people will still flock
Fairer minds will prevail, Mr. Beck, you can trust us.

Monday, March 15, 2010

People Who Say They Don't Have Pet Peeves

I can't stand people who say they don't have any pet peeves!! - K.B.

I don't believe you when say you don't get peeved
If I knew something bothered you, I'd feel relieved
I just can't cut you slack
When things roll off your back
On what happy freaking planet were you conceived?

Waitstaff Who Call My Women Friends and Me "You Guys"

Dervish, I really dislike when waitstaff continually refer to my friends and me as "you guys." Do you think you can set them straight? -L.M.

Here's a tip for the waitstaff who call us "you guys"
Try quieting your mouth and opening your eyes
Our boobs you can't ignore
We're women, hear us roar
Say "guys" once again and I'll crush you with chick thighs

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Backing out of Parking Spaces Without Looking

Drivers who back out of their parking spaces without looking if someone else has already begun to back out before them.

Backing up without looking was your decision
But thanks to me, we avoided a collision
Your pullout method is wrong
You drive like an ole ding dong
You cut me off like a routine circumcision

Friday, March 12, 2010

Using a Napkin in Place of a Tissue at the Table

How disgusting is it when someone uses a table napkin to blow their nose at the table? This really grosses me out. -C.W.

Your nose, my mind, blown
Unsanitary napkin
Snot appetizing

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

That Plastic Piece of Tag That Gets Stuck in the Shirt

Trying to get that last piece of plastic from the tag you just cut off your new shirt. If you don't get that little piece of plastic thread, it will rub you the wrong way. And sometimes that last piece woven right inside of the fabric. Curses! -L.P.

To the workers who put store tags on the shirts
Push it through, if you don't, it gets stuck and hurts
That piece of plastic
Makes me go spastic
I've seen it on dresses, pants, even on skirts

Monday, March 8, 2010

Wire Grass Takes Over My Lawn

Wire grass has taken over my yard so no green lawn until late April, it is in my borders choking the life out of my plants and if I stand still too long it starts growing up my legs.-L.C.

I planted some wire grass and now I regret it
If I try to grow flowers or plants, forget it
The grass takes them over
Worse than vines or clover
What's done is done, I'll drink some wine and not fret it

When People Eat Only the Tip of Asparagus

People who eat only the tips of perfectly good asparagus. -S.S.

There's more to asparagus than just the tip
The whole stalk's good, try sauteed or in some dip
It's good for you, honey
Makes your pee smell funny
I like broiled topped with cheese to give it some zip

Sunday, March 7, 2010

State Legislators Who Condone Discrimination

How about Ken Cuccinelli trying to turn all state schools into extensions of Regent University?

You say that schools can't protect the rights of gays
Fair minded people hope you don't get your way
You need a mental deposit
Are you perhaps in the closet?
I swear I saw you at last night's cabaret

Roommates Who Leave Facial Hair on the Sink After Trimming

When my male roommates (past & present) trim their facial hair over the sink and leave the evidence there without cleaning up. gross! it's like not flushing the toilet. -M.O.

The habit you have is just what I feared
A roommate who leaves clues of a trimmed beard
I'm on the brink
Hairs on the sink
It seems all decorum has disappeared

Guy in Car in Front of Me Spits

At a stop light, car door ahead opens and guy spits. UuGH!! Trapped! - D.F.H.

I'm stuck behind a gross guy in a truck
Big man is the spitting image of yuck
His loogie is hocked
While my car is blocked
I guess I'm lucky...he didn't upchuck

Saturday, March 6, 2010

People Who Dump Trash by a Country Lane

People who drive onto quiet country lanes to dump bags of rubbish at the roadside. - B.G.

Human pigs dump trash
Country road's beauty tarnished
John Denver would cry

Having to do Homework on a Sunny Day

Having to do homework on a sunny day. - S.C.

It pains me to work on a beautiful day
But this homework is due, so I shouldn't play
My specialization
Is procrastination
Aw, screw a good grade, I'll live for today!

People Who Use Text-Speak on Facebook

People who use text-speak on facebook. (if you have something to say, please use words!) - B.G.

It seems people have forgotten how to use real words
On Facebook I see text-speak, to me, virtual turds
If you've something to say
Then use words the right way
Your brain appears to be about the size of a bird's

Church People Who Knock at My Door Too Early in the Morning

A van load of church people showing up and knocking on my door at 10 a.m. on a Saturday.-T.P.

Unlike you, I partake in wild nighttime behavior
So don't knock in the morning and ask who's my savior
I sleep in past ten
Yet you're here again
One more knock and you'll meet my pit bull Xavier

Monday, March 1, 2010

Having to Call the Dentist to Confirm My Appointment

This new thing where you have to call to confirm that you plan to show up for the dentist appointment you made. If I didn't plan to show up I would let you know. Why do I have to confirm that I do plan to show up? - J.C.

I'll show up at the dentist just like I said
I'm not calling them, I'll just be there instead
Do they no longer trust me?
Are they trying to bust me?
Instruments scare me, but this new drill, I dread