Thursday, May 21, 2009

American Idol is Over. What to do Now?

Tuesdays and Wednesdays
No life, we followed like sheep
Now we are idle.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

People Who Spread Germs in Public

Dear Dervish, I hate when people cough or sneeze into their hands in public, and then immediately touch something that other people necessarily have to touch, like a door handle, a railing, or one of those support poles on the Metro. We all saw what you just did and we're not only disgusted by you, but you've effed with our day, because now we have to make the choice between bracing ourselves on the moving train or catching whatever swine flu you're passing around. Thanks. In lieu of a bottle of Purell, can I get a haiku or limerick?

I once saw man who spread spittle
Sneezed in his hand, I'm not talkin a little
Spread his germs on the railing
Someone soon will be ailing
Screw you and your germy transmittal.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

People Who Don't Knock & Barge Into Bathrooms, etc.

I hate it when people don't knock on public bathroom or fitting room doors. They just barge in, when the lock doesn't work. Doesn't anyone knock anymore? - DK

I hate that too, DK. Here ya go...

You should have knocked, fool
Locks don't always work you know
Who's embarrassed now?

People Who Say "Have a Blessed Day."

Dear Dervish,
I hate god fearing souls who feel like they need to put their faithitude out there, ending conversations and/or e-mails with "have a blessed day." Can you send them to their imaginary hell with a fine line or two?

Sure thing, Beelzebub...

"Have a blessed day"
Damn you and your blessedness
Keep your god private

Men Who Head to Restroom with Reading Material

I hate it when male coworkers tuck a pile of reading material under their arm and saunter proudly to the men's room. - VB

Some of my finest work here for you, VB...

You see, there's this guy at my work
He enters the john with a smirk
With a magazine or two
So he can make doo
I hope it's just that, not a jerk.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

People Who Say "Have a Good One"

Wording Dervish, I hate when people say "have a good one" but they don't specify what the "one" is.

Your haiku, TC...

Drives me freaking nuts
You and your chipper greeting
Day? Life? Trip? Time? What?

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

People Who Ask "Have You Lost Weight?"

Wording Dervish, Why do people think saying, "Have you lost weight?" is a compliment? All is says to me is that I'm fat and that they notice. Would you please write me an appropriate haiku? Thank you, WD. M. C. Fatass

For you, M.C.F. (I'm sure they meant that you looked good)

Now I think I'm fat.
Was I a lardass before?
I look good. Say it.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

People Who Write "Enjoy!" on a Recipe

I've tasted a dish someone's made and I like it, so I request the recipe. They give me the recipe and write "Enjoy!" at the bottom. But, I already enjoyed it. That's why I requested the recipe. Sheeesh. Don't write "Enjoy!" It gets my goat.

Your haiku, A.B.:

Enjoy? What the fuck?
I already enjoyed it
Are you dyslexic?

Monday, May 4, 2009

People Who are Just Pricks.

People who are just pricks and no matter how you try to have a pleasant interaction with them, they persist on acting like pricks.

A haiku for you, KP, for this very prevalent problem.

I try to be nice
But you're just a total prick
Karma. Look it up.