Monday, August 31, 2009

People Who Play With Their Feet in Public

Dear Dervish, I have another pet peeve: people who play with their feet in public, like picking and pulling and closely examining. Could you please address this with a limerick? Thanks, Grossed Out

You pull at your feet, I can't stand it
Public toe picking, we've banned it
What are you thinking
That shit is stinking
Stop doing that crap, I demand it

My M.Ed Degree is Worthless

Would you pretty please write me a limerick about how much it sucks that my friends and I all graduated with M.Eds and we still can't find jobs? :) Graduating class of 35 and only 10 found work...

Allow me to express frustration
With my Masters of Education
What good's my degree?
It's done squat for me
Self-taught, this next generation?

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Loud Motorcycles With No Mufflers

Motorcycles with window-shakingly loud, can't talk to the person sitting next to you-non "muffling" motorcycle mufflers. I live about 10 miles from the York PA Harley-Davidson factory, on a corner on a secondary highway, ...and fail to see why THEIR pleasure should get away with house-quake. Humph! - NW

Like a vibrator set into place
Your bike invades my personal space
It's a calamity
Causing insanity
If I find you, you'll need a neck brace

Friday, August 28, 2009

People Who Butt in Line Ahead of Us

When you're standing in line and people in front of you think it's OK to invite their friends to stand with them (before you!!) in line. Seriously, we learned to stand-in-line in 2nd grade! Who DOES that?? Can you give both haiku AND limerick?? - GB (Thank you, GB. Just one poem per peeve, sorry.)

We've all been standing here in the line
You think butting in here is just fine
You have us vexed
Now you've been hexed
By many who think you are swine

People Who Let Toothpaste Dry on Sink

Dear Wording Dervish: My peeve...people who let toothpaste dry to the bathroom isn't that far from a water source for proper rinsing...Thanks!

Your blue dots remain
Is it so hard to rinse off?
Laziness spotted

My Dog Eats His Own Poo & Pukes it Up

My dog eats his own poo and has been known to puke it up. Haiku or limerick acceptable.

My dog doesn't have very good taste
He eats and then pukes his own waste
I love the species
But not his feces
I implore him to stop it, post haste

People Who Cut in Front of My Car Then Drive Slowly

Dear Wording Dervish: haiku please, if possible. Peeve is people who cut in front of me while driving and then slow down.

What's the deal with you?
You passed me, now you drive slow
My brights shall blind you

It's 104 Degrees and I Have No AC

peeve: it's 104 degrees and i have no AC.

Hot as hell in here
Where can I go to get cool?

Stepping on Crumbs with Bare Feet

Dervish, one of my biggest pet peeves is walking on lineoleum, tile, or hardwood bare feet...and feeling crumbs, dirt, etc underfoot. UGH - LD

I've been known to drop food when I eat
But I freak feeling crumbs with my feet
I get the shivers
Stepping on slivers
Thank goodness I have yet to drop meat

The Light is Green but No Cars are Moving

Dear wording dervish, My pet peeve is when I am driving and I can see the light is green yet now one is moving....

The light has turned green
Yet each car in line sits still
Wait, now I see red

People Who Use the Word Sweetie

People who use the word “sweetie”. It’s so generic and makes them sound generic. People think they are so smooth and nurturing by calling someone else “sweetie” but everyone knows is generic.

Don't call me Sweetie 'cause it's not my name
Everyone's keen to your smooth talkin' game
You sound generic
Slightly barbaric
It's degrading, sexist, and lame

Men Who Exaggerate Their Feelings for a Girl

Men who exaggerate their feelings for a girl. When they girl isn’t even that much into them. Why do men do that? Especially, when the girl isn’t really asking them to.

You're that into me?
Don't overstate your feelings
You ain't feelin' this

People Who Don't Know the Difference Between To and Too

I hate people who don’t know the difference between to and too.

I see spelling's not your claim to fame
Words sound alike but they're not the same
You passed the third grade
But you should have stayed
Spelling "to" wrong, you should be ashamed

Plastic Strainer on Liquor Bottles

It's bad enough, Dervish, that the state-run liquor stores of Virginia echo East German meat markets, but through conditioning one can learn to suppress the rage. It's when I get my handle of Old Crow Bourbon or Burnett's Gin home, and have to remove the built-in plastic pourer, that my peevish self screams out, "Stop putting that irksome strainer between my glass and my spirits!"

Dousing my spirits
My bottle has been constrained
Darn plastic pourer

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Using Emoticons and Chatspeak When You're Over 30

Emoticons / chatspeak when you’re over 30. I mean, really. - GP

When I see her do it, I stop her
She's no longer a teenybopper
Smiley faces
Have their places
If she sends one more, I will pop her

Those Who Don't Know You're From Your

Your vs. You're - need I say more? Get it right idiots. - CD

The apostrophe
Means "you are," you idiot
You're your example

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

People Who Eat Food That's Not For Them

Dervish, we pay for food for our group at a hotel event, but it is often set up in the common area. The table has a sign indicating what meeting it is for (e.g., International Wording Dervish Convention), but people from other meetings think nothing of grabbing a cup of coffee or pastry as they pass by. Some are so bold as to continue even when asked not to. Short of installing a remote fart machine below the table to embarrass them, what can we say?

I wouldn't take food from your house
And help myself to your fine spouse
This spread's reserved
You greedy perve
Desist or your ass I will oust

My Car Inspection Sticker Has Expired

I just noticed my car inspection sticker says 7. That’s July. Meaning, last month. Could you write a haiku to help me through this difficult time? - SY

Inspection sticker
You expired last month. Oh shit.
I shall drive at night

People Who Assume I'm Racist Like Them

People who do not know me, and will automatically assume I'm racist or homophobic like them, just b/c we share the same color skin and I'm heterosexual. People that say racist remarks in my presence and assume that I will agree. - SR

Don't assume that I'm racist like you
I don't say things about blacks, gays and jews
We're not all bigots
Your big mouth, zip it
You're offensive, your thinking askew

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

People Who Think Natives are Better Than Transplants

My pet peeve is the idea that "Born Heres" are better than "Come Heres" in my little town, especially now that there are more "Come Heres" than any other "Heres" and they do more to volunteer, fund causes and support the community in general. - DC

I may have not been born in this town
But you shouldn't raise your nose and look down
I give back plenty
Much more than many
Shut your mouth, you just sound like a clown

The Terms "home made" and "from scratch"

regarding cooking, "home made" and "from scratch" both invoke my ire - rc

You're a restaurant
Not a thing here is home made
My head hurts, from scratch

When People Say "To Die For"

i hate "to die for" when used anywhere, especially concerning food, specifically chocolate

Don't say "to die for"
You wouldn't die for chocolate
But I might wish it

People Who Say Supposively

When people say "supposively" instead of "supposedly," I want to pull my hair out. BD

Don't just make up words
Supposively you do this
Oh man you're stupive

People Who Believe "What Goes Around Comes Around"

People who say "what goes around comes around." Bad things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people and good things happen to bad people and good things happen to good people. The saying should be "what goes around and what doesn't go around comes around and doesn't come around." It's called life.

Good things happen and bad things too
It's not based on the things you do
Killers post bail
Good people will fail
To your "goes around" theory, I say boo.

Monday, August 24, 2009

People Who Say I Must Have a Lot of Time on my Hands

My pet peeve is when someone has done something that they are kind of excited about or they know it's dumb but they had fun anyway, and people trivialize it by saying "they really must have a lot of time on their hands." No, they just have different priorities.

Yes, I choose to do certain things
But I don't need this wrath it brings
Please stifle your voice
If you don't like my choice
Why would you make a comment that stings?

When People (in the NE) Snicker When I Say Thank You

When I am in the Northeast, I find people sometimes snicker when I say Thank You.

I say "thank you" 'cause I was raised right
You snicker like it's comedy night
There ain't nothin' funny
'Bout sayin thanks, honey
There's this thing, it's called being polite

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Older Men Who Are Attracted Only To Very Young Women

What is it with these old guys who are only attracted to women under 30? I'm talking about guys 60+. It's disgusting.

Thirty years difference
When she's forty, you'll be dead
She's thinking ahead

People Who Ask Me How To Spell Things

My daughter has a pet peeve about people always asking her how to spell things. Why don't they learn to spell, look it up or try another word? KB for ASB.

If you can't spell a word, that's just fine
Dictionaries. They're even online
Please don't ask me
I'm no spelling bee
Your guess might be better than mine

Thursday, August 20, 2009

People Using Blackberries in Meetings

People that sit and type on their Crackberries during meetings. They should be made to leave the room. Really, you're not like a doctor or someone that needs to be on call all the time.

You lack tact but it's made up in gall
It's not like you're a doctor on call
Typing run amok
Damn you're such a schmuck
Do you mess with that thing in the stall?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Old Friend Who Never Spells My Name (Ann) Right

Is it too much to ask that one of your oldest and best friends (since 8th grade) can't spell your name correctly? Especially since it only has three letters? - Ann

You've known me for years
Why can't you spell my name right?
For god's sake, it's Ann

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Those Who Write LOL to Negate an Insult

I hate that "LOL"ing written after something insulting on a blog post to indicate someone is just kidding.

There are those who add L-O-L
I'd like them to go straight to hell
You can't take away
The mean things you say
I wouldn't laugh, then tell you you smell

Monday, August 17, 2009

People Who Can't Sleep in NYC but are Too Old to Go to Clubs

People who are in the city that never sleeps but they want to sleep yet they can't and they are too old to go out to the clubs. KP

I must say, KP, that I do not believe one is ever too old to go to clubs, however in the spirit of Wording Dervish, I will write to ease your pain.

I'm in the city that never sleeps
Lying horizontal counting sheep
Wanna shake my fanny
But they'd call me granny
I'll show them! No I wont, I'll just weep

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Multi-tasking People on Phone Conversations

it is so annoying when speaking with someone on the phone and you know they are multi-tasking. probably reading their email. a limerick or haiku please.

You're not fooling me
Talk to me or check email
Or I'll pee right now

Those Who Say "Should Have Went"

Perhaps a haiku to help those who "should have went" when they "should have gone." cw

"Should have gone" is right
More often to English class
You should have went. Ouch.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

People Who Are Late and Think Calling Exempts Them

Dear Dervish, it is so annoying when people are late. It shows a complete lack of respect for you and your time. They think a cell call to say "they are running late" is perfectly acceptable. Would you compose a haiku or limerick. -LM

Promptness means respect
Don't call me and say you're late
Wear a freaking watch

People Who Dog-Ear Library Book Pages

Please write me a limerick about those assholes who dog-ear the pages of library books. As much as I'd prefer it if you could just make these people suffocate in their sleep, I think a limerick would ease my pain. Tell them to get a book mark or to learn how to remember numbers or to finish a chapter, so a book mark is non-essential. I don't know. You're the artist. -CA

Courtesy has just disappeared
Another page I find dog-eared
You don't own this page
You belong in a cage
They make bookmarks. Go buy one. You're weird.

Friday, August 14, 2009

When My Mom Doesn't Answer Her Phone When It's Something Important

When I try to get in touch with my mom about something important and i can't. A limerick please. -RW

My mom is always one to count on
That's good cause my funds are withdrawn
But her phone keeps ringing
As my hands start tingling
I guess my guitar I will pawn

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Grownups Who Wear Their Pajamas in Public

I hate it when grownups wear their pajamas in public - AE

When you wear PJs outside we all balk
You look dumb and I can't help but gawk
You're dressed for sleep
You're lazy, a creep
Don't do it unless you sleepwalk

Old People Who Think Bathing is Unnecessary

Two people brought up old people, and it inspired me.  Why do many able-bodied people of advanced age think they don't have to bathe anymore? I'm not knocking hospice patients or people with walkers (who would?). Do they think their sweat glands departed with their teeth?  Smelly old people. I think a haiku would be splendid.

Remember bathing?
Wonderful habit. Still is.
Let's keep it up, Pops.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

People Who Don't Move So Others Can Board Transit

when you're in a crowded subway car/bus and people sit there on their iphones and don't move into the middle of the car allowing others to also board the public transit.- rm

We're boarding, move down
This is not your private car
My fart might move you

People Who Use Nonexistent Words

So, I can't seem to figure out how or when words like "alot," "atleast," and "irregardless" ever became real words.  Somehow they have since people seem to use them commonly these days, even in formal letters.  Can you come up with a limerick to ease my frustration and make me laugh?  Thanks a bunch!  - CS

I see letters that have these fake words
Not just stupid, to me it's absurd
Irregardless ain't real
It just makes me squeal
There's no brain in your head, just a turd

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Deer Who Eat my Flowers

Here’s one for you, Dervish. I love seeing deer, so graceful, so shy and humble. But they eat my flowers! Just in case they subscribe to your posts, would you send them a message about how annoying that is? Thank you.

Deer eat my flowers
How can I separate them?
Flora and fawna

Monday, August 10, 2009

Clerks Pushing Store Credit Cards to Save 10%

PLEASE, Dervish! I can't go shopping without some idiot asking me if I want to open a credit card with their store. I don't. You're ruining our economy. Yes, I'll forego the 10% savings on my $35 purchase. I've already swiped my debit card.

I don't need your card
I could buy and sell you, bitch
Give me some credit

People Who Say "Think Outside the Box"

i'm quite tired of hearing about the "box"- thinking outside of it, being in it, etc....fuck the "box"! the box is a box! - R

omg, R, that is one of my biggest peeves too! this will be fun.

"Think outside the box?"
Obviously you do not
Because you say that

Sunday, August 9, 2009

The Use of Qualified Superlatives

Dammit, Dervish! The use of the qualified superlative makes me see red; there can be only *one* best or greatest. Why do people neglect the comparative form of adjectives in favor of some mealy-mouthed qualified superlative. Muhammad Ali suggested that he was *the greatest*, and he was right. Make the statement, sin boldly, use the comparative form or just STFU. - B

Why, B, this is one of the most interesting peeves I've seen!

There can only be one that's best
I don't care about all of the rest
Please don't qualify
Your words just don't fly
Be bold, stand firm, inflate chest.

Customer Service People Who Are Rude/Entitled

customer service in retail, restaurants, wherever, has never been at such an all time low. employees act like they are being troubled just to do the job they were hired to do. i rarely hear any greeting or acknowledgment of my presence, let alone a thank you, although sometimes a gutteral grunt seems to suffice. what is going on? i am their paycheck and yet the sense of entitlement is off the charts!

I've totally had it with clerks
They're often rude and act like jerks
Without me, you've no job
You entitled snob
What you do is not even real work

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Old People Who Think They Can Be Mean

I would like to see a haiku or limerick (your choice) about old people who seem to get away with being mean just because they are old. Thank you so much. I look forward to your response. With much admiration, TNT

Yes, you're old, but still
You don't have to be so mean
Prune juice won't catch flies

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

People Who Say "Pulling the Trigger"

I hear people everywhere talk about ‘pulling the trigger’ on this or that decision. Is this vigilante chic? It’s making me a-scared. A limerick would put me at ease.

"Pull the trigger" is what some people say
This phrase is violent and to me not okay
It sounds so dramatic
Just say "let's do it" and be on your way.

The Letter e or i in Front of Words Denoting "Internet"

ive had it with the letter e or the letter i placed in front of any ole word, its all so meaningless, i am peeved and i mean it....cheers to you dervish

No more e's and i's
iPod, eHarmony, ugh
Why this vowel movement?

Everyone's Asleep But Me

I hate it when I lie awake at night for no apparent reason and I just cannot fall asleep.

Why can't I just sleep
My eyes will sting all day now
Tonight Ambien

Men Who Wear Too Much Cologne

Why must men put on so much nasty cologne? It makes me want to gag. Help me, Dervish.

There's a man who reeks of cologne
He must think he's Sylvester Stallone
Don't know what he thinks
But man he sure stinks
There's a reason that he is alone

Monday, August 3, 2009

Saying Please and Thank You

dear dervish, i don't regard myself as miss manners, but can i get a poem for please and thank you? they go a long way... towards making me not want to kick your ass!

There are some who aren't polite
Please and thank you are nowhere in sight
Raised in a barnyard?
Is it really that hard?
It's sad and plain rude and not right