Wednesday, June 23, 2010

People Who Say "Brain Fart"

People who say they had a "Brain Fart." Arghhh, I can barely stand to type that! Make it short please. -J.R.

When I hear "brain fart"
I cringe and then I wonder
Does your brain poop too?

Friday, June 18, 2010

People Who Say Nuke-q-lar

WHY do people pronounce the word "nuclear" as "nuke-q-lar" seriously, what is that? -MS

Nuclear has the sound "lee" in the middle
When you say it wrong I hate you a little
You sound like W Bush
Who don't know his nose from his tush
Sounds as bad as me practicing the fiddle

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Young People Who Say "Back in the Day"

And how about the 20 year-olds who say "back in the day" like they're OLD enough to have one? -NGW

You're twenty years old, yet say "back in the day"
Like when Justin Timberlake started to play?
Hon, you haven't a clue
I have shoes older than you
'Til you're as old as me, that shit just don't play.

People Who Say They Could Care Less

I hate when people say "I could care less" instead of "I COULDN'T care less." -A.A.

A.A. - I can't believe I haven't yet addressed this peeve! Here goes...

If you say you could care less, it means that you care
If you COULDN'T care less, there's no caring to spare
Please say what you mean
Use your brain, not your spleen
Do I care to correct you again? Au contraire.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Yard Sale Signs That Stay Up Forever

People who don't remove yard sale signs after they have had their yard sales--they sit there for weeks and months afterward, pathetically, taped or stapled to street signs and telephone poles.

Your yard sale's over
Environmental moron
Take your damn signs down

People Who Say Whatever

People who say "whatever." -K.H.

When asked a question, you answer "whatever"
Your indifference is sad, you don't sound clever
Do you not care at all?
Is it really my call?
When have you expressed any passion? Never.

People Who Watch Fox News Like It's the Media Bible

People who watch Fox news like it's the media bible. -J.C

Yes, Fox news is right
Far right. And usually wrong.
Did I blow your mind?

Leaving Cupboard Doors Open

When people (usually family members) leave cupboard doors open. - J.C.

Open cupboard door
It swings the other way too
Just like my right hook

Guests Who Want You to Wait on Them

Houseguests (in-laws) that make you feel like you're running a bed and breakfast cum chauffeur service (maybe a little restaurant too....) - L.F.

I'm happy you're here
But I'm not your freaking slave
Next time, Motel 6

When People Leave Without Saying Goodbye

When people (friends?) leave a social function without saying goodbye (and without saying thank you to organizers or people who drove a long way to attend). -S.C.

I invited you
Is saying goodbye so hard?
Ungrateful bastard

Thursday, June 10, 2010

People Who Call in the Wee Hours and Wake Me

Please comment, as only you can do, on the inconsiderate people who make phone calls to you in the wee hours of the night just because it is convenient for them. -LMC

I'm glad that you call me but I'm sawing some Z's
It's late, I'm asleep, call during waking hours please
Don't ring me like Saturn
And break my sleep pattern
If you do it again, I'll break both of your knees

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Wearing Wool Cap When It's Hot Outside

People who wear wool caps on their heads when it's 90 degrees outside. -D.W.

You wear a wool cap, but it's 90 - we're baking
It's a perplexing fashion statement you're making
Logic defied
That brain is fried
You're bound to be hot, all around, heads are shaking