Monday, November 30, 2009

Delivery Drivers Who Make Excuses and Don't Deliver

Certain unnamed delivery drivers (in their cute little brown outfits) decide not to deliver your package on time and have the audacity so make up excuses (no one home or signature required) when you are waiting and tracking online.

You said you'd deliver 'tween nine and three
But I know now that was not to be
I tracked it online
Should have arrived fine
I'll tell you what brown can do for me.

People Who Mumble

people who mumble, especially those with low, breathy voices who are being interviewed on the radio. I crank it 'til it rattles my speakers straining to make out the words, and when the host's normal voice comes on I jump out of my skin and swerve off the road. SGM

You whisper, why do you talk this way?
When you speak I don't know what you say
You want to be heard?
Don't peep like a bird
If this were a game I'd call fowl play

Sunday, November 29, 2009

People Who Talk on Phone in Public Place

People who talk on their cell phones when they're being waited on at a store, restaurant, etc. So rude! -BW

You're rung up, but you missed what she said
Because you yak on your phone instead
We all roll our eyes
Silently chastise
Imagine phone whooped up side your head

Liquid Soap is Everywhere - I Want Bar Soap!

The sight of an honest bar of Ivory, Dial, Irish Spring, or Lava by a kitchen, powder room or basement sink delights me because I know there a proper lather awaits my filthy paws. Alas! Liquid soap has come to replace the soap dish at most sinks. Liquid soap with its noxious scents, its anti-bacterial-ness and its industrial non-communitarian feel make me yearn for a simpler time.

Though the liquid form has lots of fans
I prefer bar soap to clean my hands
I am incensed
With soap, dispensed
It's just no good, and I've tried all brands

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Those Who Take an Hour to Tell a Five-Minute Story

A pet peeve of mine is when people take an hour to tell a story that could have been told in 5 minutes. Just get to your point!

I fear my life will come to an end
Before your story does, my dear friend
My attention's gone
I'm drooled upon
The interest you see is just pretend

Monday, November 23, 2009

Obnoxious TV Sets in Restaurants

Why do restaurants put obnoxious daytime television (the kind with people yelling and obscenities bleeped out) on in the dining area and consider it atmosphere? It's horrendous.

My meal is now spoiled
Soaps, dopes, and ads while I eat
Is this Dish TV?

NPR's Filler Music is Louder Than the Voices

Why is the filler music on NPR always so much louder than the voices? I have to turn my radio down every time they put in 15 seconds of music and then turn it up again once somebody starts talking again. Aren't radio people supposed to know about volume? A haiku please.

All things considered
Volume on NPR stinks
Car Talk is good though

Supermarket Scanners are Often Incorrect

Supermarket scanners that scan in an incorrect price are a real peeve. Can all these errors really be errors? CW

The price rang up wrong
The price tag says something else
Electronic thief

People Who Say "You Know" All the Time

Dervish, it drives me wild when people pepper their conversation with "you know." It's know.

I wouldn't buy if you tried to sell me
What you lack is vocabulary
Your speech pattern blows
These constant "you knows"
No, I don't know, why don't you tell me?

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Junk Mail is a Nuisance and Wastes Trees

junk mail is such a nuisance. please help save the trees.

I really like trees
Without them we would all die
Your junk mail kills us

Why Don't We Say "President" Before "Obama" and "Bush" Anymore? Where's Our Respect?

When did we stop saying "President" before we say Obama or Bush? It doesn't matter which party you support. It shows a lack of respect for the office.

Bush and Obama both have titles
We show more respect to stars, idols
It makes me crazy
That we're so lazy
Don't worry, I'm not homicidal

Writing French Sounding Words With the Wrong Accent Marks

people who name their businesses with french-sounding words but put the accents the wrong way.

If you're gonna act French, do it right
Your accent marks are wrong, you ain't bright
You're not from Paris
So please just spare us
Speak the words if you must, but don't write

Those Who Refer to Themselves as a Mac or PC

I despise when people refer to themselves as a Mac or PC.

You're not an electronic device
You've no monitors, keyboards or mice
It's easy to see
You're no Mac or PC
If you were one, your firewire I'd slice

Nail Clipping in a Public Place

middle aged woman in the doctor's office waiting room...clipping her finger nails!

Doctor's waiting room
You have the gall to clip nails
Now I'm really sick

Friday, November 20, 2009

Co-Worker Who Says I'm Crass in the Office

My co-worker says I'm "not professional enough" in the office. She doesn't like some of my comments or the way I dress. I get my work done just fine, so she can just keep it to herself.

At work you say I sound kind of crass
But I don't curse loud or pass any gas
I get the job done
Beat you two to one
Girl, you can kiss my dimply white ass

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Incorrectly Saying "I" When You Should Say "Me"

Dervish, it drives me crazy when someone is trying to sound so educated and they say something like "This is such a good example for Dawn and I."

You don't say "I," in this case say "me"
Take out the other's name and you'll see
"Give it to I"
That doesn't fly
Didn't you learn this when you were like three?

My Husband Frequently Brings Fattening Cheese Home

My husband keeps buying delicious cheese and bringing it into the house. He knows I have no willpower. Damn him and his scrumptious dairy products.

Look at me hon, I'm down on my knees
I beg that you stop bringing home cheese
When it's in the house
I'm like a fat mouse
Soon, you'll have lots more of me to squeeze

Those Who Forget to Turn Off Their Turn Signal

Don't you just love driving behind someone whose turn signal is on and they never turn? Must really freak out the pedestrians and others in their path.

You give false signals
You're not really gonna turn
Lying on the road

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Those Who Put Empty Cartons Back in the Refrigerator

People who put empty cartons back in the refrigerator and empty containers in the pantry. Why on earth would you do this?

Cereal's poured and I see there's milk left
I grab the carton, I find it's bereft
You've used it all up
Haven't left me a cup
On the fridge I'll install a device, anti-theft

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Indecisive Fast Food Drive-Thru Customers

people at the fast food drive-thru who have no clue what they want should go inside to order - T.P.

There's a reason they call this fast food
Drive-thru indecision dampens my mood
Can't think on your feet?
Go inside and eat
Appetites lost while we waited and stewed

Monday, November 16, 2009

People Who Don't Identify Themselves on Voicemail

people who don't identify themselves on voicemail. "'s me..."

Please identify
See, I have more than one friend
Soon, you will have none

People Who Don't Parallel Park Efficiently

People who parallel park on the street in front of my house will scoot their car up fairly close to the next, so the space is used efficiently. But there's always somebody who parks, taking up two spaces, screwing the rest of us out of a perfectly good spot. It's quite irksome.

Other people need to find spots too
And our cars could have parked behind you
Causes our frustration
Correct parking rules you should review

Labels in Clothes That Scratch or Show Through

Dervish, I am so annoyed by labels that scratch my neck or show through clothes. Please help. -LM

I find labels a pain in the neck
They show through clothes and scratch me like heck
In this day and age
They should not cause rage
For labeless clothes, quite far I would trek

Sunday, November 15, 2009

I Have to Use AP Style When I Write and I Hate It

Writing a column every other week, and the occasional feature story, I have had to learn AP style. I sometimes want to call it "asshole plus" style. Remembering it's "they also were" instead of "they were also" and junk like that.

AP style's the guide I must follow
The bitter pill they make me swallow
I don't mean to be dense
But some rules make no sense
That author's head must have been hollow

Plane That Spends More Time on Tarmac Than Flying

what about a freaking plane in nyc that spends more time driving on the tarmac than in the air? I asked for an airbus, not a bus...

It's called an AIRplane
Not a tarmac vehicle
Godammit, fly, bitch

Friday, November 13, 2009

Non-Designers Who Tell Me (An Art Director) How to Design

I'm an art director and i HATE this. People who think they are designers and try to tell me how to do my job. I don't try to tell a vet how to lance a boil. Or tell a florist how to better arrange flowers. Why would I? It's not my profession.

I don't want to sound like a whiner
But what makes you think you're a designer?
I know what I'm doing
Your advice has me stewing
Keep it up and you'll have a shiner

Automatic Everything in Public Bathrooms

Automatic everything in public bathrooms. Can I not be trusted to do things myself? The toilet always flushes more than once, the water is never the right temperature, and I'm waving like a crazy person trying to get the soap and paper towels to dispense.

I flail my hands for water and soap
Even for towels, I feel like a dope
So call me old-fashioned
Water shouldn't be rationed
A return to the old way is my hope

Those Who Say "Should Of" Instead of "Should Have"

People who say "should of" or "could of" instead of "should/could HAVE." "shouldof" is probably the lazy bottom-feeder's way of saying the word.

"Should HAVE" not "should OF"
You should have read more - you'd know
You sound like a fool

Thursday, November 12, 2009

People Who Say Heighth Instead of Height

People who pronounce the word heighT, heighTH. Please stop!

"Height" ends in a T
Please get the H out of there
Mighth? Flighth? I think not.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Shady Characters Who Act Like They Want to Buy My Car

People who contact me about buying my old station wagon. Some will say, "What's the least you'll take?" Or they have personal problems I have to deal with. I'm concerned the potential buyers might be crooks in disguise.

Bring me an offer
Not your personal problems
Buy the car, or leave.

Questions that End in a Period

don't you hate it when people write a question but finish it with a period.

Statements and questions
They differ from each other
Like you and scholars

Cleaning Spray that Overpowers the Smell of Food in Restaurants

Often in a restaurant the wait staff will spray a nearby table while I am trying to enjoy my food. The odor of the cleaner overpowers the aroma of the food.

In restaurants Thai, French or Tex-Mex
Accosted by the smell of Windex
Your spraying is rude
I want to smell food
May as well eat a bowl of Rice Chex