Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Books That are Not Returned

Why do people think they don't have to return a book they have borrowed? I love my books and I'm willing to share but I do want them back. Thanks. -LMC

I lent you a book but I never got it back
I've kept my mouth shut and cut you lots of slack
I should have charged late fees
Or held on to your keys
I thought you were gracious, but you're really a sad sack.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Using the Word "is" Twice in a Row

I can’t stand when people use the word “is” twice, in phrases like” “the problem is, is that…” and “the truth is, is that…” How does that even SOUND correct to people who say is? You just SAID that word, why are you saying it twice?? Ugh. - D.W.

The problem is, is that you've said "is" twice
Forgive me if this comment doesn't sound nice
But one is is enough
This rule isn't that tough
Unless you stutter, one is will suffice

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Phone Callers Who Don't Identify Themselves

Telephone callers who don't identify themselves. Many telephone callers don't identify themselves and expect, (i) that the recipient enjoys Caller ID, or (ii) the recipient to recognize their voice (a sign of egocentrism if ever there was one). Please write a snappy haiku I can use to respond with.

Introduce yourself
You know I can't see you, right?
It's a freaking phone!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

When Cabbies Drive Slowly, Even With No Fare

When cabbies drive slowly, even when they don't have a fare in the car!! - K.H.

The cabbie takes the longest route from here to there
He wrongly thinks that I must have some cash to spare
I see what you're about
Taking the slowest route
When you do it with no rider, that's no fare!

Friday, October 15, 2010

When People Say Friggin or Freaking Instead of Fuck

When adults use 'friggin' or 'freaking' instead of 'fuck.' That may just be me, though. -C.H.

When you say friggin or freaking, we know what you mean
But you're an adult, don't fucking talk like a teen
No friggin or frick
Cut the Bolshevik
These silly substitute words, I find more obscene

People Walking in Groups & All on the Phone

Students walking in groups of five or more, each one talking on his/her cell phone instead of to each other. -K.H.

A group of friends walk together down the street
They're all talking on phones, or posting a tweet
Talking face to face
Just doesn't take place
"Love the one you're with" ain't on their song sheet

You Help People but They Don't Help You

Going out of your way for ppl all the time, then when you're I need, no one comes to your rescue. Grrrr. -K.K.

You need help? I'm there.
I can't say the same of you
Actually, you suck

People Who Write on the Miniscule Dirt on my Car

people who writ s@*t on my car whenever it gets even the tiniest bit dusty!! My car is NOT YOUR canvas... D.T.

A light layer of dust has covered my car
Your finger wrote through it, who do you think you are?
I don't pee on your house
And won't lick your spouse
Do it again and I'll kick you to Qatar

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

People Who Downplay Their Comment with "I'm Just Sayin"

This may not have attained the status of a true pet peeve, but it is starting to get on my nerves. A woman (I haven't seen a man do it yet) will express an opinion and then add, "just sayin..." as if she's not really claiming her own opinion. Hey, I'm just sayin... -K.P.

Hey, I'm just sayin'
Own your thought or opinion
Otherwise, zip it.

Upstairs Neighbors Who Walk Too Loudly

Neighbors above you who pound the ground with their heels every time they walk or go up their stairs. -N.K.

Upstairs lives a noisy group of guys
Every step they take makes us despise
Our pleas, ignored
Revenge full board
We've just bought cable cutting supplies

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Female Models With Open Mouths

My biggest pet peeve; Why do most ads, whether it be fashion, make-up, hair color,etc., have the women posing with their mouths open (suggestively). -K.S.

Models always pose with mouths agape
Keep that thing shut - I'll give you some tape
I wonder who started
This thing with lips parted
It's as though they're ready to catch a grape

Blasting Music With Headphones On

When someone is listening to headphones, but I can hear the music clear as day. Turn the damn music down! - K.S.

You may as well not even have headphones on
We can hear each lyric, your hearing's gone
In a few short years
You'll have useless ears
You won't know Kanye from Olivia Newton John

Buying Purebreds Instead of Shelter Dogs

Buying purebreds instead of adopting wonderful shelter dogs desperate for a home.-K.P.

Your heart is set on a purebred
Consider adoption instead
Visit the pound
Love will abound
It'll be one less dog who'll be dead

Friday, September 10, 2010

Drivers at a Standstill on Narrow Road

I live in a neighborhood with narrow two-way streets. Every time I encounter an oncoming car, it is a game of chicken to see who will pull to the side first or risk a nasty gash-up. This even happens on my scooter. A limerick might help set the traffic rules straight. -J.R.

This lane is too narrow for both to proceed
You won't pull over and I won't concede
I'll sit here all day
Til you're out of my way.
I've got audio books and a small bag of weed

Saturday, August 28, 2010

A Really Slow Grocery Checkout Person

when there is only one lane open at Martin's and Dorothy is the checker. - K.H.

I just want to check out and be on my way
But I see there's just one line open today
And glory be
It's Dorothy
So slow, when I leave, fifty more strands of gray.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Paying High Costs for a Chipped Tooth

I respectfully request a limerick about chipped teeth and the exorbitant costs of dental work. -MS

I chipped a tooth and now I must pay out the nose
So half my face suffers and man that really blows
I'll have to rob a bank
Or sell a load of crank
I'll be paying the bill til I wear support hose

Monday, July 26, 2010

Blabbers on Airplanes

There's one on every flight. He or she yaks the entire time at full volume as if anyone cares what he/she is saying. Only once have I heard someone yell for them to shut up. -DW

You have yakked non-stop throughout the entire flight
If I whacked your head...you'd hear screams of delight
We're searching for lip glue
The passengers hate you
We suffer in silence because we're polite

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Double-u Double-u Double-u

Peeve: those who say "www" before the web address. -C.W.

It's the world wide web
No need to say it each time
We know what it is

Thursday, July 22, 2010

People Who Ask "Can I Ask You a Question?"

Why oh why do people start out saying, "Can I ask you a question?" I feel like responding, "You just did, so now you don't get two." -J.D.

You asked if you could ask me a question
But you just did, so I have a suggestion
Think before you speak
Keep your tongue in cheek
Before flapping it about in a verbal transgression

People Who Insist on Telling Me I Could Get Bitten by a Shark

I swim in open waters regularly - day swims and night swims. Why are people compelled to tell me to watch out for sharks? They insist on letting me know that sharks could get me, like this hasn't crossed my mind. Tell them to just shut up! - P.O.

I enjoy a swim in the ocean at night
You don't need to tell me that a shark might bite
Know what else just might happen?
A meteor as you're nappin
The large mouth I fear is yours...keep it shut tight

Monday, July 12, 2010

Those Who Write on Restroom Stalls but Can't Spell

Please comment on people who write on restroom stalls but don't know how to spell. -C.R.

You took the time to deface the wall
Writing garbage all over the stall
While moving your bowels
You dropped a few vowels
Your spelling sure stinks, way up the hall

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

People Who Say "Brain Fart"

People who say they had a "Brain Fart." Arghhh, I can barely stand to type that! Make it short please. -J.R.

When I hear "brain fart"
I cringe and then I wonder
Does your brain poop too?

Friday, June 18, 2010

People Who Say Nuke-q-lar

WHY do people pronounce the word "nuclear" as "nuke-q-lar" seriously, what is that? -MS

Nuclear has the sound "lee" in the middle
When you say it wrong I hate you a little
You sound like W Bush
Who don't know his nose from his tush
Sounds as bad as me practicing the fiddle

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Young People Who Say "Back in the Day"

And how about the 20 year-olds who say "back in the day" like they're OLD enough to have one? -NGW

You're twenty years old, yet say "back in the day"
Like when Justin Timberlake started to play?
Hon, you haven't a clue
I have shoes older than you
'Til you're as old as me, that shit just don't play.

People Who Say They Could Care Less

I hate when people say "I could care less" instead of "I COULDN'T care less." -A.A.

A.A. - I can't believe I haven't yet addressed this peeve! Here goes...

If you say you could care less, it means that you care
If you COULDN'T care less, there's no caring to spare
Please say what you mean
Use your brain, not your spleen
Do I care to correct you again? Au contraire.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Yard Sale Signs That Stay Up Forever

People who don't remove yard sale signs after they have had their yard sales--they sit there for weeks and months afterward, pathetically, taped or stapled to street signs and telephone poles.

Your yard sale's over
Environmental moron
Take your damn signs down

People Who Say Whatever

People who say "whatever." -K.H.

When asked a question, you answer "whatever"
Your indifference is sad, you don't sound clever
Do you not care at all?
Is it really my call?
When have you expressed any passion? Never.

People Who Watch Fox News Like It's the Media Bible

People who watch Fox news like it's the media bible. -J.C

Yes, Fox news is right
Far right. And usually wrong.
Did I blow your mind?

Leaving Cupboard Doors Open

When people (usually family members) leave cupboard doors open. - J.C.

Open cupboard door
It swings the other way too
Just like my right hook

Guests Who Want You to Wait on Them

Houseguests (in-laws) that make you feel like you're running a bed and breakfast cum chauffeur service (maybe a little restaurant too....) - L.F.

I'm happy you're here
But I'm not your freaking slave
Next time, Motel 6

When People Leave Without Saying Goodbye

When people (friends?) leave a social function without saying goodbye (and without saying thank you to organizers or people who drove a long way to attend). -S.C.

I invited you
Is saying goodbye so hard?
Ungrateful bastard

Thursday, June 10, 2010

People Who Call in the Wee Hours and Wake Me

Please comment, as only you can do, on the inconsiderate people who make phone calls to you in the wee hours of the night just because it is convenient for them. -LMC

I'm glad that you call me but I'm sawing some Z's
It's late, I'm asleep, call during waking hours please
Don't ring me like Saturn
And break my sleep pattern
If you do it again, I'll break both of your knees

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Wearing Wool Cap When It's Hot Outside

People who wear wool caps on their heads when it's 90 degrees outside. -D.W.

You wear a wool cap, but it's 90 - we're baking
It's a perplexing fashion statement you're making
Logic defied
That brain is fried
You're bound to be hot, all around, heads are shaking

Monday, May 31, 2010

People Who Walk Their Kids With Leashes

Pet Peeve: People who walk their children with toddler leashes. -S.S.

You walk your child like a dog on a leash
All who see you roll their eyes and think "sheesh"
Do you make her pee outside?
Say "heel" and give her rawhide?
Lose the leash, hold her hand, grow up, capiche?

Waitresses Who Ask if I Want Change

My pet peeve is a waitress/waiter asking me, "You want change?" when I am paying my bill. -M.P.G.

She asks, "you want change?"
Oh no - take my whole wallet
You're in my will too.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Stores with Entrance on the Wrong Side

I get annoyed with stores that have their entrance and exit doors on the wrong side. Is it or is it not customary that you enter on the right and exit on the left... or am I simply insane? - L.W.

Enter left, right, out
It must be opposite day
In through the out door

When People Say Verbage

I cannot stand when people say "verbage". This is NOT a word!! - C.M.

It's "verbiage," not "verbage," you say it wrong
There's a third syllable, you smokin a bong?
In the middle, say "bee"
There's an "i" can't you see?
When you speak I BEElieve you are a ding dong

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

When Exit Sign B Precedes Exit Sign A

On the interstate where there are multiple exits why does the B exit come before the A exit? -L.M.

When I'm driving your letters throw me off course
An alphabetical cart before the horse
B should follow A
Mark exits that way
Your backwards code is more confusing than Morse

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Those Who Use Change to Pay Tolls

Drivers who refuse to get a Smart Tag, instead they clog up the works at the Forest Hill exit whilst scrounging on the floor for change. (Yes, a highly specific peeve.) -B.C.

There are still those who pay tolls with quarters
Cars backed up, you'd be shot at the border
Know what would be cool?
A Smart Tag, you fool
You have an efficiency disorder

Faux Friends

Why is it so hard to spot faux friends? I cringe when I hear someone being fooled by an imitator say "I ran into so and so the other day, she/he is soooo nice...don't you just love them" And I internally think yes, upon first meeting, they seem lovely really they're the opposite. As an authentically nice person, I am offended by bad knock-offs.

Yes, she does seem nice
But really she's a shithead
With time, you will see.

Salty Dinners Leave Me Thirsty and Bloated

Would you please write me a haiku? I have had a very salty dinner at a restaurant and now I am insatiably thirsty and feel like a giant water balloon. Woe. -M.E.

Bloated like a whale
And I want to shave my tongue
No more salt at night

Friday, May 14, 2010

Online Auctions That Go Bust

I sell about a dozen items a week on Ebay. Someone will always email me and say "oh gosh, I missed bidding on the auction, can you sell it to me?" I will not sell it to you when another bidder might drive the price up higher next time. So, I relist the item in question... crickets...no bid from the oh-so-anxious buyer.

On ebay I list items for people to buy
They ask if I'll sell before the price gets too high
I relist and they're gone
Next resort is to pawn
I'm trying to abide your demand with supply

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Bald Men Who Wear a Ponytail

Men who are gray-haired and have lost most of said hair but insist on growing the back long and wearing it in ratty little ponytails. -K.P.

You're gray and bald but seem to be in denial
That skimpy ponytail was never in style
Your look...a sad sack
Your hair needs a whack
In your mind, you're a stud, but it's been quite a while

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Outdated Scrabble Dictionary

Scrabble's dictionary needs updated! Why can I play dork but not emo? This is not the 1960s! Apparently texting is not a word either yet there are billions of people doing it every day! -M.B.

I put down a great word that I use every day
But Scrabble says no, it's not a word I can play
The word list is outdated
My triple word, negated
I'm stuck playing words they said back in the day

Monday, May 3, 2010

Men Who Yell at the TV to Coach a Game

Why do men scream at the TV when they are watching a sporting event as if they are more knowledgeable than the coach and better than the players? Tell me why Dervish, why? -C.W.

You yell, "run!" when you see the quarterback pass
At least we're at home, he can't hear you harass
The players won't heed you
I don't think they need you
It's easy to coach as you sit on your ass

Cheap Utensils in a Restaurant

Cheap utensils sometimes found in a restaurant can really ruin the experience for me. A haiku or limerick would be appreciated. -L.M.

This ain't silverware
It's a step up from plastic
You just don't cut it

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Airline Passengers Who Constantly Get Up to Pee

People on airplanes who use the bathroom a lot should request an aisle seat, as I do. Quit making me stand up to let you by.

I thought ahead and requested an aisle seat
But it seems you could not accomplish this feat
We have not left the tarmac
Four times you've peed and come back
Your bladder ain't just small, it's extra petite

Thursday, April 22, 2010

People Who Abuse the English Language

People who want to 'ax' me a 'pacific' question. 'Irregardless' they should check out the 'lie-berry'. It is so sad that we've forgotten how to speak English! -T.M.

When I hear you speaking, it makes me shake my head
"Ax" is a tool; irregardless should not be said
It hurts to hear you speak
Your job prospects are bleak
You should have read books, but you watched TV instead

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Being Forced to Take Algebra for an Arts Degree

How about a little diddy for being forced to pass algebra (taking it for the FOURTH time this summer session) at 40 years old for a freaking Fine Arts degree? I don't see math majors being made to sculpt. -C.H.

I'm too damn old to be in algebra class
These x's and y's are a pain in my ass
I'm a freaking arts major
Math puts my grades in danger
But this fourth time's a charm, and by god I'll pass

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Clerks and Baggers Who Discuss Every Item I Buy

when you are in the check out line at a grocery store and the person checking your groceries out and the person bagging them pick up your food items and discuss them and then will even ask YOU questions about your choice for instance...is this good? NOOO..I buy it b/c it is horrible.

The clerk and bagger assess what I buy
Do you like these tampons? Really? But why?
Each item's reviewed
Discussed as it's queued
Now on, self-checkout, where no one will pry.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Instant Messengers Who Can't Let Someone Else Have the Last Word

People who don't know when an IM is over and keep adding things to hear themselves type, i.e., "k," "will do," "lol." Enough already. Get the message? I'd like a haiku, please. -A.B.

Hey, IM buddy
you like to hear yourself type

Drivers Who Won't Let Me Change Lanes

My peeve is the guy driving in the next land who rushes up to prevent me from changing lanes. Is he going somewhere more important than I? Asshole. -D.T.

I want to change lanes but you won't let me do it
The language of dumb, you seem to be fluent
Either speed up or slow down
We'll both still get to town
In the world of good karma, dude, you just blew it

Thursday, April 15, 2010

A Boss Who Expects Me to do Others' Work

I am constantly expected to stay late or come in on a weekend because other people procrastinate or just can't meet deadlines. But, because they are my boss's buddies, they never seem to feel any repercussions. It stops now. -T.P.

Take advantage of me once, then shame on you
Do it twice, then shame on me, I know it's true
My boss has built a schism
Can you say "nepotism?"
I'll no longer do your buddies' work - screw you.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Old Food Gets Pushed to the Back of the Fridge. Such a Waste.

I hate when people cram new groceries into the refrigerator and all the stuff in the back gets lost and goes bad. Food abuse! -S.C.

The brand new food goes in, all fresh and pretty
The old gets shoved back, it goes bad, a pity
Bring old stuff up front
Stop pulling this stunt
Poor fridge has become a forbidden city

Friends Who Move to Better Place Who Remind Me of it Regularly

Friends who move to Miami and torture me with their comments about how warm and beautiful it is.

You packed up and moved, now you live in Miami Beach
If only I'd clung to you like a blood-sucking leech
You gloat like you're victorious
Oh bastard, you're inglorious
You're tan while I look like I've been dipped in liquid bleach

Monday, April 12, 2010

Moms Who Don't Teach Their Sons About Hygiene

Really, should a sixth grade teacher have to tell your son about deodorant? Or should their girlfriend many years later have to tell them about trimming their nails, nose hair, and chewing gum for fresh breath? Come on already!! - K.L.

Looks like your momma forgot to teach hygiene
Ain't nothing about you that comes close to clean
In your teeth, chili con carne
Were you raised in a barn?
Here...deodorant, floss, a washing machine

Drivers Who Rush You Out of a Parking spot

Dear Dervish - I am terribly irked by people who hover behind you when you're packing your car after a shop, in order to take your parking spot. It adds undo pressure and they really should just park and walk! -M.W.

I see you want my spot, but I have to load my car
That's right, keep pulling up, it won't get you very far
Hang on to your britches
Or soon you'll need stitches
Oh look, I'm not leaving now, I'm walking to a bar!

Those Who Mispronounce Nuclear & Artesan

Dear Dervish, My peeve is people who say Nucular for Nuclear, and Artesian for Artesan... (Nucular isn't even a word, but Artesian is a kind of a well)
Didn't anybody ever teach these people how to sound words out when they were in school? Aaackk! -W.E.

It's not nuke-ya-ler
A president said it wrong
But you're smarter, yes?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

If You're Famous You Get a Gig While the Talented Are Out of Luck

It seems that if you're a celebrity, you can get a book published, no problem, while talented writers struggle. If you're the daughter of a past president, you can land a TV journalist gig, while talented journalism graduates are jobless. Is it just me, or is this just wrong?

-OK. I have two for this one!

I swear that K-Fed could land a book deal
While talented writers can't buy a meal
The thought causes me pains
But celebrity reigns
This world we live in makes me want to squeal

As long as you are blonde and your last name is Bush
You can work on Today, helping brains turn to mush
The skilled are unemployed
While Jenna fills the void
Real journalists gag every time she shows her tush

Friday, April 2, 2010

Servers Who Interrupt My Conversation

I hate it when I'm in a restaurant with a friend and we are engrossed in a conversation and the server comes over and interrupts with a "is everything okay over here?" with no acknowledgment of the fact that he or she has barged into the middle of our conversation with an unnecessary, rhetorical question.

Can you not see we're engaged in conversation?
You should learn to practice patience, hesitation
Interrupting is rude
Quietly serve our food
I'll give you a tip, find another vocation

Birds Pooping Inside of My Purse

Dear Wording Dervish: Somehow a bird managed to poop *inside* my purse. Woe is me. A poem or a limerick might help.

When you're outside having fun, there's nothing worse
Than some bird taking a big poop in your purse
Gloppy dung on my things
It's a sure sign of spring
I hope it foreshadows luck, not some fowl curse

Sunday, March 28, 2010

My Fat Cats Harass Me Even as I Feed Them

A "pet" peeve: two cats that weigh enough to be four cats who whine incessantly for food. And continue to harass me with their meows even as I am putting the food in their dishes. - E.N.

My fat kitties need to be on a diet
They're gigantic and can't ever stay quiet
They meow when they're fed
I should starve them instead
Mouth and stomach, I might staple or tie it

People Who Unwrap Candy During a Quiet Scene in the Movie Theater

I don't understand those who eat popcorn loudly and unwrap their candy during a movie - and it's always during the quiet scenes. Unwrap when there's loud music, fool!

Your theater food unwrapping is distracting
My friends and I are not over reacting
You're rude and bug us a lot
You took our minds from the plot
Here's an Oscar for worst in-theater acting

People Who Use Scented Deodorant in Place of Soap

People who apply scented deodorant as a substitute for bathing.

Ain't no substitute for soap
You're fooling no one

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Teething. It Hurts My Baby and I Hate it.

My 11-month-old is teething again/still/forever and as soon as one comes through, another starts pushing on the gums. She hates it, I hate it, and I think it requires being Dervish-ized. - L.D.B

It seems teeth should miraculously appear
Why they must cause such suffering isn't clear
When teeth cut through gums
Often thought by mums...
Is eleven months too young for wine or beer?

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Having to Work Inside on a Beautiful Day

Having to sit inside working on a beautiful first day of Spring. -C.S.

When they said "sorry, gotta work" I thought "what the frick?"
Being stuck inside today feels like a dirty trick
Outside the sun is shining
To be there, I am pining
I'll show them, next sunny day, guess who will call in sick!

Imperfect Balance of Hot Fudge to Ice Cream

An imperfect balance between hot fudge and vanilla ice cream...get it right or don't do it! -D.T.

Vanilla, hot fudge
When there's imperfect balance
In my head I scream

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Kids Who Ask Questions of Me Before I've Had Coffee

Kids who fire questions at me expecting answers on the spot BEFORE I've had my coffee. -K.H.

Questions are firing from my toeheaded sweeties
But I can't answer, as I've not had my Wheaties
My answers just won't flow
Til my third cup of joe
Let me drink this coffee and put up my feeties

Plastic Packaging That I Cannot Get Open

My irk? Packaging. It's easier to break into Brinks then to open some of this new-fangled packaging. Leave it to a piece of plastic to make me feel like a senior. Argggg.- H.R.M

Like a chastity belt, this package stays closed
I cannot get the contents inside exposed
I'm trying real hard
My fingers are scarred
I won't buy this brand again, I've been hosed.

Search Committees Who Don't Hire What They Seek

Search committees who advertise for one set of criteria but hire for another. -L.F.

Hey, search committee
You seek this, yet you hire that

Glenn Beck Says Leave Church if they Tout Social Justice

Ok, give me a zinger for Glenn Beck saying we should WALK OUT of any church that promotes social justice. WTF? -K.C.

Glenn Beck says leave your church if they're for social justice
He says that's a code word, we should leave or he'll bust us
His words are meant to shock
Yet people will still flock
Fairer minds will prevail, Mr. Beck, you can trust us.

Monday, March 15, 2010

People Who Say They Don't Have Pet Peeves

I can't stand people who say they don't have any pet peeves!! - K.B.

I don't believe you when say you don't get peeved
If I knew something bothered you, I'd feel relieved
I just can't cut you slack
When things roll off your back
On what happy freaking planet were you conceived?

Waitstaff Who Call My Women Friends and Me "You Guys"

Dervish, I really dislike when waitstaff continually refer to my friends and me as "you guys." Do you think you can set them straight? -L.M.

Here's a tip for the waitstaff who call us "you guys"
Try quieting your mouth and opening your eyes
Our boobs you can't ignore
We're women, hear us roar
Say "guys" once again and I'll crush you with chick thighs

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Backing out of Parking Spaces Without Looking

Drivers who back out of their parking spaces without looking if someone else has already begun to back out before them.

Backing up without looking was your decision
But thanks to me, we avoided a collision
Your pullout method is wrong
You drive like an ole ding dong
You cut me off like a routine circumcision

Friday, March 12, 2010

Using a Napkin in Place of a Tissue at the Table

How disgusting is it when someone uses a table napkin to blow their nose at the table? This really grosses me out. -C.W.

Your nose, my mind, blown
Unsanitary napkin
Snot appetizing

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

That Plastic Piece of Tag That Gets Stuck in the Shirt

Trying to get that last piece of plastic from the tag you just cut off your new shirt. If you don't get that little piece of plastic thread, it will rub you the wrong way. And sometimes that last piece woven right inside of the fabric. Curses! -L.P.

To the workers who put store tags on the shirts
Push it through, if you don't, it gets stuck and hurts
That piece of plastic
Makes me go spastic
I've seen it on dresses, pants, even on skirts

Monday, March 8, 2010

Wire Grass Takes Over My Lawn

Wire grass has taken over my yard so no green lawn until late April, it is in my borders choking the life out of my plants and if I stand still too long it starts growing up my legs.-L.C.

I planted some wire grass and now I regret it
If I try to grow flowers or plants, forget it
The grass takes them over
Worse than vines or clover
What's done is done, I'll drink some wine and not fret it

When People Eat Only the Tip of Asparagus

People who eat only the tips of perfectly good asparagus. -S.S.

There's more to asparagus than just the tip
The whole stalk's good, try sauteed or in some dip
It's good for you, honey
Makes your pee smell funny
I like broiled topped with cheese to give it some zip

Sunday, March 7, 2010

State Legislators Who Condone Discrimination

How about Ken Cuccinelli trying to turn all state schools into extensions of Regent University?

You say that schools can't protect the rights of gays
Fair minded people hope you don't get your way
You need a mental deposit
Are you perhaps in the closet?
I swear I saw you at last night's cabaret

Roommates Who Leave Facial Hair on the Sink After Trimming

When my male roommates (past & present) trim their facial hair over the sink and leave the evidence there without cleaning up. gross! it's like not flushing the toilet. -M.O.

The habit you have is just what I feared
A roommate who leaves clues of a trimmed beard
I'm on the brink
Hairs on the sink
It seems all decorum has disappeared

Guy in Car in Front of Me Spits

At a stop light, car door ahead opens and guy spits. UuGH!! Trapped! - D.F.H.

I'm stuck behind a gross guy in a truck
Big man is the spitting image of yuck
His loogie is hocked
While my car is blocked
I guess I'm lucky...he didn't upchuck

Saturday, March 6, 2010

People Who Dump Trash by a Country Lane

People who drive onto quiet country lanes to dump bags of rubbish at the roadside. - B.G.

Human pigs dump trash
Country road's beauty tarnished
John Denver would cry

Having to do Homework on a Sunny Day

Having to do homework on a sunny day. - S.C.

It pains me to work on a beautiful day
But this homework is due, so I shouldn't play
My specialization
Is procrastination
Aw, screw a good grade, I'll live for today!

People Who Use Text-Speak on Facebook

People who use text-speak on facebook. (if you have something to say, please use words!) - B.G.

It seems people have forgotten how to use real words
On Facebook I see text-speak, to me, virtual turds
If you've something to say
Then use words the right way
Your brain appears to be about the size of a bird's

Church People Who Knock at My Door Too Early in the Morning

A van load of church people showing up and knocking on my door at 10 a.m. on a Saturday.-T.P.

Unlike you, I partake in wild nighttime behavior
So don't knock in the morning and ask who's my savior
I sleep in past ten
Yet you're here again
One more knock and you'll meet my pit bull Xavier

Monday, March 1, 2010

Having to Call the Dentist to Confirm My Appointment

This new thing where you have to call to confirm that you plan to show up for the dentist appointment you made. If I didn't plan to show up I would let you know. Why do I have to confirm that I do plan to show up? - J.C.

I'll show up at the dentist just like I said
I'm not calling them, I'll just be there instead
Do they no longer trust me?
Are they trying to bust me?
Instruments scare me, but this new drill, I dread

Saturday, February 20, 2010

The Misuse of Good and Well

It drives me crazy when people use "good" where they ought to use "well" and it subsequently angers the perpetrator when I correct them out of habit. Please send me a haiku/limerick that will make the lesson stick! Thanks! -EE

You do things "well," and you may have a "good" heart
Learn when to use these words - now's the time to start
A dictionary will help
Constant misuse makes me yelp
You say it wrong often, so it's no brain fart.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Older Men Who Call Me Ma'am

I can not STAND men who are obviously much older than I am who call me "ma'am." C.M.

I'm sure that you think you're just being polite
But calling me "ma'am" makes me really uptight
I'm blown out of the water
'Cause I could be your daughter
Do you call young boys "sir?" See how it ain't right?

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I Can't Have Access to Hot Male Skaters I Watch on TV

Pet peeve challenge. Hot male skaters with amazing bodies on my TV that I can't have access to. M.B.

You put the "figure" in figure skating
Oh, bulging tights, I'm ready and waiting
I drool as you glide
Your package can't hide
I watch you and pretend that we're dating

People Who Are Too Lazy to Return the Shopping Cart

oh wording dervish, how I dislike those who are just too exhausted (lazy) to wheel their grocery cart back to the stall and instead, leave it rolling aimlessly in the parking lot. H.R.M.

You've shopped to be sure your pantry is stocked
Abandoned cart rolls, my parking spot's blocked
Few steps to return it
That fat, you could burn it
Lazy and thoughtless, your actions half-cocked

People Who Hog the Weight Machine

People who finish their weight sets yet still hang out on the weight machines at the gym, chewing the fat with the idiot sitting next to them and ignoring requests to move. L.F.

You chew the fat while I wait to lose it
Hogging the weights, though you've seen me choose it
This ain't your personal gym
Move, so others can get slim
Stay put, warthog, and your face, I'll bruise it

Monday, February 15, 2010

People Who Don't Spay or Neuter Their Pet

I don't understand people who have a dog or a cat and they let them have pups/kittens when the shelters are overrun with animals that can't find homes. It's cruel and stupid.

Dogs would wear condoms
If dog condoms existed
Dogs are smart, you're not.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Fools Who Make Illegal Left Turns

What's with all the jackasses who insist on making an illegal left turns? Why don't the see the sign or pay attention to the 5 cars behind them blowing their horns?

Are you oblivious, or don't our rules apply?
When you turn left, you could get blindsided and die
I'm not saying I wish it
You don't want it? Don't dish it
If I were a cop, I'd taunt you and make you cry

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Bottles & Jars Are Too Hard to Open These Days

It is nearly impossible to open a bottle or jar these days without some sort of opener. What are they thinking?

Why are lids these days so hard to remove?
Does the company have something to prove?
Seems only the Hulk
Would buy these in bulk
Please fix this snafu, weaklings disapprove

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

My Husband Won't Eat Leftovers

at dinner my husband says my cooking is gourmet, but the next day he refuses to eat the leftovers. - m.c.

At dinner, hubby says my food is gourmet
If that's true, why won't you eat it the next day?
Don't let it go to waste
You said you like the taste
You want a new meal tonight? It's curds and whey.

My Man Throws a Hissy When He's Emotional

why do men (namely mine) so closely mimic the behavior of small children - selfish, volatile, and completely out of control of their own actions when they get emotional?

You're a grown man, honey, not a small child
But when you don't get your way, you go wild
You're too old for a hissy
Every time you feel pissy
Keep this up, baby, and I won't stay beguiled

The "Dressy Casual" Designation on an Invitation

On an invitation it reads "dressy casual" or some such oxymoronic phrase that confuses more than it helps. Man, I hate that.

I appreciate your invitation
But "dressy casual" causes frustration
Tennis shoes and a dress?
Clamdiggers with a vest?
I would have dressed fine, but now, hesitation.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Parkers Who Park Too Close

omg, i walked to my car tonight and the car in front of me was parked about 1/8th of an inch from my front bumper. and they were the first car in line = room to pull forward. so frustrating!! - D.K.

Your parking sure blows
You could have left me some room
Bam oops bam oops bam

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Garbageman Who Blocks My Garage Every time

We keep our big trashcan out back by our garage door. After dumping into the truck, the garbageman inevitably rolls it behind our garage door instead of 2 feet over where it wouldn't obstruct the driving path. Is he dumb, passive aggressive, or just clueless?

I appreciate you dumping my trash, it's true
But you block my garage door each time that you do
Do you get a kick?
From this weekly trick?
I don't want your job, but I'd be better than you.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Friends Who Find Time to Forward Cartoons But Don't Respond To My Emails

I find it so annoying to receive forwarded emails of cartoons etc. from friends who rarely have the time to answer their personal mail. Thanks for letting me vent. CW

You find time to send jokes and stupid cartoons
But if you respond to me, it's none too soon
I've noticed this trend
You're not a good friend
If you were a fruit, I'd peg you for a prune

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Pat Robertson in Front Row of McDonnell's Inauguration

Pat Robertson in the front row of Bob McDonnell's inauguration.

Virginia governor's inauguration
Front row, Pat Robertson, abomination
I'm frightened by both
As one takes his oath
Too bad your moms had no tubal ligation

Monday, January 11, 2010

Perfumes and Spritzing When You Walk Through a Department Store Cosmetic Section

You walk through a department store cosmetic section and it stinks of perfume and sometimes they have people who want to spray that stuff on you. Lord, I hate it. It's like a restaurant smoking section. It should be called the Stinking section.

In the cosmetic section, I want to shriek
Perfumes, colognes, spritzing ladies make me reek
I'm just on my way
To buy lingerie
No more department stores, next time...a boutique

When So-Called News Organizations Hire Spouting Nutjobs

When brainless nutjobs are hired by so-called news orgs to spout more nonsense to the Foxfools of the world.

I turn on the news
But nutjobs spout ignorance
I shall read a book

Thursday, January 7, 2010

People Who Post Unflattering Photos of Me

My current post-holiday peeve: People who post and tag photos of others (...me. hmph.) from Christmas morning that are crappy/embarrassing/borderline-retarded-looking. - L.B.

You posted my photo, I look like a freak
If I did it to you, I'd have a bruised cheek
Before these infractions
Consider reactions
One more similar post and you're up the creek

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Articles With Long Source Explanations

When reading an article and the quoted source spoke on "condition of anonymity because" and then there is a very long explanation of why. Something like: "because they weren't authorized to discuss the governor's political plans publicly." I hate that and can't read around it fast enough.

Your article's good but your source info's boring
The long explanations I'm always ignoring
Just cut to the chase
Learn how to erase
What writer wants to leave their audience snoring?

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Checking Messages and Texting While Eating Out

People who go to dinner with you, yet they text and check messages while they're eating. Are you not able to wait 30 minutes to see if someone other than me is communicating with you?

It's not finger food
Put your freaking phone away
Cauliflower for brains

Monday, January 4, 2010

Holiday Cards that are Printed with No Personal Message or Signed Name

I get Christmas cards from people who don't sign their name or write any personal note. They just stick their printed cards in envelopes and send them along. I guess it's better than no card at all, but really...not even my name or a signature. Am I wrong, Dervish?

I enjoy getting your holiday greeting
But you write nothing, the point, it's defeating
Is it such effort to sign
Your name and mine, or one line
Just one simple word? I don't expect Keating

Friday, January 1, 2010

People Who Say "Literally" in the Wrong Context

I literally lose my mind when I hear "literally" used in the wrong context, as in "I've literally seen that movie a million times" ... no, you didn't!

You say you literally did this or that
But that scenario cannot be a fact
I doubt your cognition
Of the definition
You're literally someone who we think is whacked