Wednesday, September 30, 2009

People Who Don't Hit Return to Separate Paragraphs

People that do not understand how to use a carriage return to break up their thoughts into paragraphs drive me nuts! -M.B.

I don't know why you can't hit return
It's so easy, even you could learn
Your words, hard to follow
Your head, must be hollow
This oversight causes concern

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

People Who Walk Pets in the Middle of the Road

Folks who walk their wonderful pets down the middle of the road… Do they want to get run over? Let the pet free, and I will gladly accommodate and run the owner's butt over.

Walk your pet over there on the side
We don't want dog and car to collide
Your pet's IQ
Surpasses you
I'd be sad if just one of you died

Monday, September 28, 2009

Young People Who Call Me Sir

My pet peeve is people in their 20's and 30's calling me "sir" and it makes me know that I am old even though I think that I am young. Please help.

When you call me Sir
It makes me feel very old
Even if I am

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Friends Who Forget You When They're in a Relationship

Girlfriends who forget their girlfriends when they have a boyfriend really tick me off. What's your take dervish?

You say I'm your friend
When he's here...I'm chopped liver
You're not a good friend

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Planting Fake Flowers in Gardens

A really annoying thing I see a disturbing amount of: People who "plant" stems of unnaturally colored silk flowers in the gardens in front of their homes, apparently in a failed attempt at landscaping.

Those flowers you plant aren't real
You're not fooling us with that bright teal
It couldn't hurt
To get down in the dirt
Authentic plants have more appeal

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Misuse of the Letter K

The misuse of the letter K - using the letter when there should be a C...I will boycott any product or store that has done this...Any thoughts? - E.T. Wow, E.T., this is one of mine too!

Don't name your store Krazy Kats
That shit just ain't where it's at
The letter C
Was meant to be
It ain't kool, nor is it Phat

People Who Make Every Conversation About Themselves

My pet peeve is people who make every conversation about themselves. Any help would be greatly appreciated. M.S.

Why is everything all about you?
There are things that I'd like to say too
If I did the same
You'd be quick with blame
More words with you? Nah, I think I'm through.

Neighbors Who Park in My Spot

Neighbors parking in my parking spot have my goat. Please a haiku to paste on their door.

We each get a spot
I don't cook in your kitchen
You want me to start?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Slow People Walking in Front of Me

I don’t like when you’re shopping at the mall and there are slow people walking in front of you. You can’t pass them and you can’t go around them since the walkway isn’t wide enough. k.d.

I want to pass you
But there's no way around you
The sale will end soon

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Writing Words or Parts of Words in ALL CAPS

It KILLS ME WHEN PEOPLE capitalize words or parts OF WORDS in a sentENCE???? How can you form words without being able to READ what you're saying? ALL CAPS IS YELLING. I HATE YOU!

Your letters assault
Writing in all caps is rude
Linguistic screaming

Saturday, September 19, 2009

People Who Politely Insult or Belittle

people who find the most polite, passive-aggressive way to insult or craftily slipped in to the conversation that you can't call them out.

I caught your dig, though it was subtle
You intend to hurt and befuddle
You're rude at best
I'm unimpressed
My swift kick will be my rebuttal

Friday, September 18, 2009

People Who Interrupt

Dervish my peeve is people who interrupt. They only think what they have to say is important. Would you set them straight. CW

Sure thing, Mom. -Dervish

I care what you say
But wait your turn, it's mine now
Jesus fucking Christ

My Mother-in-Law Sighs All the Time

I hesitate to ask you for a pittance since you've already done so much for me. I have so very many pet peeves, but my current front-runner is my mother-in-law who sighs all the time. She sighs when she sits down; she sighs... when she stands up; she sighs when there's a lull in the conversation.

I'll record you and then you will know
How often you sigh, you're a freak show
You breathe in and out
Good thing there's no spout
Wish I had a balloon you could blow

People Who Crop Watermarks Out of Professional Photos

Dear Dervish, this one is for a friend. Peeve: people who crop watermarks out of professional photos and post them on Facebook.

The watermark's there, it's like a clue
That photo doesn't belong to you
You're a real creep
That, or just cheap
If they catch you, I hope that they sue.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

When My Dinner Date Disagrees With What I Want

I want to eat sushi, he doesn't eat seafood. I want to eat in the fan, He wants a chain restaurant in Short Pump.

I like good food, you'd eat at a dump
Obviously, 'cause you chose Short Pump
Chain restaurants
Are an affront
I like you, but your taste leaves me stumped

Double Dippers

Double dipping. Need say more?

Your nacho has already been there
I can't just stand here like I don't care
You're grossing me out
I watch this and pout
I'll go elsewhere tonight for more fare

Repairman Who Don't Show When Promised

Repairmen who promise to arrive by a certain time and don't. Thank you.

You said you'd be here
You lied, or your car won't start
Either way I lose

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

People Who Pick Their Teeth at the Table

One of my pet peeves is when someone picks their teeth at the table. A toothpick is awful a fork even worse. Thanks dervish.

Pick in privacy
Some things I don't want to see
Libido vanished

People Who Text While They're With You

people who spend all their time texting while they are with you ... can't imagine that is a new one, but what the hell.

I am standing right here next to you
Texting is rude but you have no clue
I am ignored
Are you that bored?
Punching buttons has got the best of you

People Who Text and Talk While They Attempt to Drive

people who text and talk while they "attempt" to drive. -m.c.

We all question your mentality
You text and drive, it's reality
Put the phone down
You moronic clown
Let's try for one less fatality

Folks Don't Care What Bureaucrats With Insurance Think About Universal Health Care

Federal, state, and local bureaucrats who think folks in the private sector give a damn what the former think about universal health care. They ALREADY have it. D.O.

D.O., I hope I understood your request.

I have insurance
But I will try to relate
Actually, I can't

Dogs Left in Hot Cars With Just a Window Cracked

when people leave their dogs in cars in hot weather and think it is ok because the windows are that itty bitty amount of air coming in will help....LEAVE THE DOG AT HOME! - kb

How'd you like to be left in a car
The temperature of a burning cigar
You don't deserve Spot
He hates you a lot
I'd like to give you more than a scar

Being Forced to Complete Pointless Spreadheets

My employer is making my team log everything we do on a spreadsheet, feeding us some bullshit line about some accreditation company coming in to do an audit, when really we are having to prove we are working. - KK

There is no audit
You know it and I know it
Spreadsheet up your ass

The Words Ironical and Irregardless

The Words Ironical and Irregardless - A.H.
A.H. - To date, the word "irregardless" is my most frequently submitted peeve. But "ironical" is a new one. Here you go...

What you say should not ever be said
"Irregardless" should stay in your head
Find this sardonic?
It is ironic
Ironical makes me see red

Monday, September 14, 2009

People Who Tell The Same Stories Over and Over

Dervish, my friend tells us the same things over and over. It's like she doesn't remember telling us the story the first three times. And then, when someone new walks in, she tells it again. Help please. - FD

It's like your mouth got stuck in rewind
To repeat stories you are inclined
One time is enough
To hear all this stuff
We all think that you're losing your mind

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Those Who Read the Menu Aloud

dervish, one of my peeves is when my dining partner reads the menu aloud when i am reading my menu. haiku please. LM

Menu recital
I can't concentrate on mine
Here, eat my bread. Please.

People Who Say Itch Instead of Scratch

why do people say they are itching their itch when they are scratching their itch? a haiku or limerick please. - CW

I do not want to sound like a bitch
But the verb is "scratch" it is not "itch"
I'll learn you real good
To talk like you should
So next time you speak I won't twitch

Friday, September 11, 2009

People Who Mix Their Metaphors

A haiku, please for all those people who mix their metaphors. They drive me up a tree without a paddle! -BC

Keep in tact metaphors and cliches
I say if there's a will, there's a way
Don't mix up the words
One stone kills two birds
Go for broke, my way or the highway

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Republicans Who Send Me Emails I'll Never Agree With

I desperately need you to write a limerick or a haiku about Republican friends who forward me anti-Obama emails that are stupid, insulting, and childish. They all know I have a giant Obama painting in my house, so they can't be confused as to my feelings about our President. Do they think some idiotic right-wing spewing is going to change my liberal leanings?

I hate this right-wing e-mailin'
Your attempts to sway me are failin'
It may sound unkind
But it boggles my mind
That you voted for McStiff and Palin

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Using Hash Marks Instead of Smart Quotes

Using hashmarks instead of smart quotes when the designer should’ve known better. Thanks! - JH (JH, I don't know what this means, but I'll do my best - Wording Dervish)

Designers should know
Smart quotes are used by smart folks
And you are not one

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Crumbling Relics

My peeve is crumbling relics. (Today is my birthday)

Getting older sucks
It beats the alternative
So, I guess there's that