My Fat Cats Harass Me Even as I Feed Them

A "pet" peeve: two cats that weigh enough to be four cats who whine incessantly for food. And continue to harass me with their meows even as I am putting the food in their dishes. - E.N.

My fat kitties need to be on a diet
They're gigantic and can't ever stay quiet
They meow when they're fed
I should starve them instead
Mouth and stomach, I might staple or tie it

People Who Unwrap Candy During a Quiet Scene in the Movie Theater

I don't understand those who eat popcorn loudly and unwrap their candy during a movie - and it's always during the quiet scenes. Unwrap when there's loud music, fool!

Your theater food unwrapping is distracting
My friends and I are not over reacting
You're rude and bug us a lot
You took our minds from the plot
Here's an Oscar for worst in-theater acting

People Who Use Scented Deodorant in Place of Soap

People who apply scented deodorant as a substitute for bathing.

Antiperspirant
Ain't no substitute for soap
You're fooling no one

Teething. It Hurts My Baby and I Hate it.

My 11-month-old is teething again/still/forever and as soon as one comes through, another starts pushing on the gums. She hates it, I hate it, and I think it requires being Dervish-ized. - L.D.B



It seems teeth should miraculously appear
Why they must cause such suffering isn't clear
When teeth cut through gums
Often thought by mums...
Is eleven months too young for wine or beer?

Having to Work Inside on a Beautiful Day

Having to sit inside working on a beautiful first day of Spring. -C.S.

When they said "sorry, gotta work" I thought "what the frick?"
Being stuck inside today feels like a dirty trick
Outside the sun is shining
To be there, I am pining
I'll show them, next sunny day, guess who will call in sick!

Imperfect Balance of Hot Fudge to Ice Cream

An imperfect balance between hot fudge and vanilla ice cream...get it right or don't do it! -D.T.

Vanilla, hot fudge
When there's imperfect balance
In my head I scream

Kids Who Ask Questions of Me Before I've Had Coffee

Kids who fire questions at me expecting answers on the spot BEFORE I've had my coffee. -K.H.

Questions are firing from my toeheaded sweeties
But I can't answer, as I've not had my Wheaties
My answers just won't flow
Til my third cup of joe
Let me drink this coffee and put up my feeties

Plastic Packaging That I Cannot Get Open

My irk? Packaging. It's easier to break into Brinks then to open some of this new-fangled packaging. Leave it to a piece of plastic to make me feel like a senior. Argggg.- H.R.M

Like a chastity belt, this package stays closed
I cannot get the contents inside exposed
I'm trying real hard
My fingers are scarred
I won't buy this brand again, I've been hosed.

Search Committees Who Don't Hire What They Seek

Search committees who advertise for one set of criteria but hire for another. -L.F.

Hey, search committee
You seek this, yet you hire that
Psychitsophrenia

Glenn Beck Says Leave Church if they Tout Social Justice

Ok, give me a zinger for Glenn Beck saying we should WALK OUT of any church that promotes social justice. WTF? -K.C.

Glenn Beck says leave your church if they're for social justice
He says that's a code word, we should leave or he'll bust us
His words are meant to shock
Yet people will still flock
Fairer minds will prevail, Mr. Beck, you can trust us.