Labels in Clothes That Scratch or Show Through

Dervish, I am so annoyed by labels that scratch my neck or show through clothes. Please help. -LM

I find labels a pain in the neck
They show through clothes and scratch me like heck
In this day and age
They should not cause rage
For labeless clothes, quite far I would trek

I Have to Use AP Style When I Write and I Hate It

Writing a column every other week, and the occasional feature story, I have had to learn AP style. I sometimes want to call it "asshole plus" style. Remembering it's "they also were" instead of "they were also" and junk like that.

AP style's the guide I must follow
The bitter pill they make me swallow
I don't mean to be dense
But some rules make no sense
That author's head must have been hollow

Plane That Spends More Time on Tarmac Than Flying

what about a freaking plane in nyc that spends more time driving on the tarmac than in the air? I asked for an airbus, not a bus...

It's called an AIRplane
Not a tarmac vehicle
Godammit, fly, bitch

Non-Designers Who Tell Me (An Art Director) How to Design

I'm an art director and i HATE this. People who think they are designers and try to tell me how to do my job. I don't try to tell a vet how to lance a boil. Or tell a florist how to better arrange flowers. Why would I? It's not my profession.

I don't want to sound like a whiner
But what makes you think you're a designer?
I know what I'm doing
Your advice has me stewing
Keep it up and you'll have a shiner

Automatic Everything in Public Bathrooms

Automatic everything in public bathrooms. Can I not be trusted to do things myself? The toilet always flushes more than once, the water is never the right temperature, and I'm waving like a crazy person trying to get the soap and paper towels to dispense.

I flail my hands for water and soap
Even for towels, I feel like a dope
So call me old-fashioned
Water shouldn't be rationed
A return to the old way is my hope

Those Who Say "Should Of" Instead of "Should Have"

People who say "should of" or "could of" instead of "should/could HAVE." "shouldof" is probably the lazy bottom-feeder's way of saying the word.

"Should HAVE" not "should OF"
You should have read more - you'd know
You sound like a fool

People Who Say Heighth Instead of Height

People who pronounce the word heighT, heighTH. Please stop!

"Height" ends in a T
Please get the H out of there
Mighth? Flighth? I think not.

Shady Characters Who Act Like They Want to Buy My Car

People who contact me about buying my old station wagon. Some will say, "What's the least you'll take?" Or they have personal problems I have to deal with. I'm concerned the potential buyers might be crooks in disguise.

Bring me an offer
Not your personal problems
Buy the car, or leave.

Questions that End in a Period

don't you hate it when people write a question but finish it with a period.

Statements and questions
They differ from each other
Like you and scholars

Cleaning Spray that Overpowers the Smell of Food in Restaurants

Often in a restaurant the wait staff will spray a nearby table while I am trying to enjoy my food. The odor of the cleaner overpowers the aroma of the food.

In restaurants Thai, French or Tex-Mex
Accosted by the smell of Windex
Your spraying is rude
I want to smell food
May as well eat a bowl of Rice Chex