People Who Say "Have a Blessed Day."

Dear Dervish,
I hate god fearing souls who feel like they need to put their faithitude out there, ending conversations and/or e-mails with "have a blessed day." Can you send them to their imaginary hell with a fine line or two?

Sure thing, Beelzebub...

"Have a blessed day"
Damn you and your blessedness
Keep your god private

Men Who Head to Restroom with Reading Material

I hate it when male coworkers tuck a pile of reading material under their arm and saunter proudly to the men's room. - VB

Some of my finest work here for you, VB...

You see, there's this guy at my work
He enters the john with a smirk
With a magazine or two
So he can make doo
I hope it's just that, not a jerk.

People Who Say "Have a Good One"

Wording Dervish, I hate when people say "have a good one" but they don't specify what the "one" is.

Your haiku, TC...

Drives me freaking nuts
You and your chipper greeting
Day? Life? Trip? Time? What?

People Who Ask "Have You Lost Weight?"

Wording Dervish, Why do people think saying, "Have you lost weight?" is a compliment? All is says to me is that I'm fat and that they notice. Would you please write me an appropriate haiku? Thank you, WD. M. C. Fatass

For you, M.C.F. (I'm sure they meant that you looked good)

Now I think I'm fat.
Was I a lardass before?
I look good. Say it.

People Who Write "Enjoy!" on a Recipe

I've tasted a dish someone's made and I like it, so I request the recipe. They give me the recipe and write "Enjoy!" at the bottom. But, I already enjoyed it. That's why I requested the recipe. Sheeesh. Don't write "Enjoy!" It gets my goat.

Your haiku, A.B.:

Enjoy? What the fuck?
I already enjoyed it
Are you dyslexic?

People Who are Just Pricks.

People who are just pricks and no matter how you try to have a pleasant interaction with them, they persist on acting like pricks.

A haiku for you, KP, for this very prevalent problem.

I try to be nice
But you're just a total prick
Karma. Look it up.

I'm Sick at Home and Can't Make Soup

Would you please write me a haiku about being home sick and wishing
somebody would make me soup? Thank you Wording Dervish. Woe is me.
-MCE

Dear MCE, I hope you feel better. Maybe this will cheer you up...

Home sick in the bed
Can't stand, can't cook, woe is me
I shall dream of soup

People Who Don't Show Up for an Appointment

Someone sets up an appointment with you. They don't bother showing up and they don't call to cancel. When you leave a message saying, "Hope everything's okay. I thought we had an appointment, blah blah blah'. They never call to explain what happened or apologize. I hate rental property.

Your requested haiku, KP...

The appointment's set
Where is your sorry ass, bitch?
I'm missing Idol.

People Who Say "Passed Away" Instead of Died

Wording Dervish, my peeve is people who use euphemisms like "passed" or "passed away" when someone died. Why is "died" such an offensive word?

KP. Here is your haiku.

Gas passes. Folks die.
Saying "passed" won't bring them back.
They're dead now. Face it.

People Who Drive Huge Vehicles

People who "drive" giganormous SUVS and trucks....
Makes me nuts when people who cannot peer over the dash or gauge any distance whatsoever drive at perilously slow or fast speeds, ooze in and out of tight parking spots, straddle lane lines, and inch into intersections. would the wording dirvish spin a little something to soothe my soul?

Surely, LF...

I think you're a fool
to drive that honkin big truck
How small is your dick?