People Who Abuse the English Language

People who want to 'ax' me a 'pacific' question. 'Irregardless' they should check out the 'lie-berry'. It is so sad that we've forgotten how to speak English! -T.M.

When I hear you speaking, it makes me shake my head
"Ax" is a tool; irregardless should not be said
It hurts to hear you speak
Your job prospects are bleak
You should have read books, but you watched TV instead

Being Forced to Take Algebra for an Arts Degree

How about a little diddy for being forced to pass algebra (taking it for the FOURTH time this summer session) at 40 years old for a freaking Fine Arts degree? I don't see math majors being made to sculpt. -C.H.

I'm too damn old to be in algebra class
These x's and y's are a pain in my ass
I'm a freaking arts major
Math puts my grades in danger
But this fourth time's a charm, and by god I'll pass

Clerks and Baggers Who Discuss Every Item I Buy

when you are in the check out line at a grocery store and the person checking your groceries out and the person bagging them pick up your food items and discuss them and then will even ask YOU questions about your choice for instance...is this good? NOOO..I buy it b/c it is horrible.

The clerk and bagger assess what I buy
Do you like these tampons? Really? But why?
Each item's reviewed
Discussed as it's queued
Now on, self-checkout, where no one will pry.

Instant Messengers Who Can't Let Someone Else Have the Last Word

People who don't know when an IM is over and keep adding things to hear themselves type, i.e., "k," "will do," "lol." Enough already. Get the message? I'd like a haiku, please. -A.B.

Hey, IM buddy
you like to hear yourself type
OMG. STFU.

Drivers Who Won't Let Me Change Lanes

My peeve is the guy driving in the next land who rushes up to prevent me from changing lanes. Is he going somewhere more important than I? Asshole. -D.T.

I want to change lanes but you won't let me do it
The language of dumb, you seem to be fluent
Either speed up or slow down
We'll both still get to town
In the world of good karma, dude, you just blew it

A Boss Who Expects Me to do Others' Work

I am constantly expected to stay late or come in on a weekend because other people procrastinate or just can't meet deadlines. But, because they are my boss's buddies, they never seem to feel any repercussions. It stops now. -T.P.

Take advantage of me once, then shame on you
Do it twice, then shame on me, I know it's true
My boss has built a schism
Can you say "nepotism?"
I'll no longer do your buddies' work - screw you.

Old Food Gets Pushed to the Back of the Fridge. Such a Waste.

I hate when people cram new groceries into the refrigerator and all the stuff in the back gets lost and goes bad. Food abuse! -S.C.

The brand new food goes in, all fresh and pretty
The old gets shoved back, it goes bad, a pity
Bring old stuff up front
Stop pulling this stunt
Poor fridge has become a forbidden city

Friends Who Move to Better Place Who Remind Me of it Regularly

Friends who move to Miami and torture me with their comments about how warm and beautiful it is.

You packed up and moved, now you live in Miami Beach
If only I'd clung to you like a blood-sucking leech
You gloat like you're victorious
Oh bastard, you're inglorious
You're tan while I look like I've been dipped in liquid bleach

Moms Who Don't Teach Their Sons About Hygiene

Really, should a sixth grade teacher have to tell your son about deodorant? Or should their girlfriend many years later have to tell them about trimming their nails, nose hair, and chewing gum for fresh breath? Come on already!! - K.L.

Looks like your momma forgot to teach hygiene
Ain't nothing about you that comes close to clean
In your teeth, chili con carne
Were you raised in a barn?
Here...deodorant, floss, a washing machine

Drivers Who Rush You Out of a Parking spot

Dear Dervish - I am terribly irked by people who hover behind you when you're packing your car after a shop, in order to take your parking spot. It adds undo pressure and they really should just park and walk! -M.W.

I see you want my spot, but I have to load my car
That's right, keep pulling up, it won't get you very far
Hang on to your britches
Or soon you'll need stitches
Oh look, I'm not leaving now, I'm walking to a bar!

Those Who Mispronounce Nuclear & Artesan

Dear Dervish, My peeve is people who say Nucular for Nuclear, and Artesian for Artesan... (Nucular isn't even a word, but Artesian is a kind of a well)
Didn't anybody ever teach these people how to sound words out when they were in school? Aaackk! -W.E.

It's not nuke-ya-ler
A president said it wrong
But you're smarter, yes?

If You're Famous You Get a Gig While the Talented Are Out of Luck

It seems that if you're a celebrity, you can get a book published, no problem, while talented writers struggle. If you're the daughter of a past president, you can land a TV journalist gig, while talented journalism graduates are jobless. Is it just me, or is this just wrong?

-OK. I have two for this one!

I swear that K-Fed could land a book deal
While talented writers can't buy a meal
The thought causes me pains
But celebrity reigns
This world we live in makes me want to squeal

As long as you are blonde and your last name is Bush
You can work on Today, helping brains turn to mush
The skilled are unemployed
While Jenna fills the void
Real journalists gag every time she shows her tush

Servers Who Interrupt My Conversation

I hate it when I'm in a restaurant with a friend and we are engrossed in a conversation and the server comes over and interrupts with a "is everything okay over here?" with no acknowledgment of the fact that he or she has barged into the middle of our conversation with an unnecessary, rhetorical question.

Can you not see we're engaged in conversation?
You should learn to practice patience, hesitation
Interrupting is rude
Quietly serve our food
I'll give you a tip, find another vocation

Birds Pooping Inside of My Purse

Dear Wording Dervish: Somehow a bird managed to poop *inside* my purse. Woe is me. A poem or a limerick might help.

When you're outside having fun, there's nothing worse
Than some bird taking a big poop in your purse
Gloppy dung on my things
It's a sure sign of spring
I hope it foreshadows luck, not some fowl curse