People Who Walk Their Kids With Leashes

Pet Peeve: People who walk their children with toddler leashes. -S.S.

You walk your child like a dog on a leash
All who see you roll their eyes and think "sheesh"
Do you make her pee outside?
Say "heel" and give her rawhide?
Lose the leash, hold her hand, grow up, capiche?

Waitresses Who Ask if I Want Change

My pet peeve is a waitress/waiter asking me, "You want change?" when I am paying my bill. -M.P.G.

She asks, "you want change?"
Oh no - take my whole wallet
You're in my will too.

Stores with Entrance on the Wrong Side

I get annoyed with stores that have their entrance and exit doors on the wrong side. Is it or is it not customary that you enter on the right and exit on the left... or am I simply insane? - L.W.

Enter left, right, out
It must be opposite day
In through the out door

When People Say Verbage

I cannot stand when people say "verbage". This is NOT a word!! - C.M.

It's "verbiage," not "verbage," you say it wrong
There's a third syllable, you smokin a bong?
In the middle, say "bee"
There's an "i" can't you see?
When you speak I BEElieve you are a ding dong

When Exit Sign B Precedes Exit Sign A

On the interstate where there are multiple exits why does the B exit come before the A exit? -L.M.

When I'm driving your letters throw me off course
An alphabetical cart before the horse
B should follow A
Mark exits that way
Your backwards code is more confusing than Morse

Those Who Use Change to Pay Tolls

Drivers who refuse to get a Smart Tag, instead they clog up the works at the Forest Hill exit whilst scrounging on the floor for change. (Yes, a highly specific peeve.) -B.C.

There are still those who pay tolls with quarters
Cars backed up, you'd be shot at the border
Know what would be cool?
A Smart Tag, you fool
You have an efficiency disorder

Faux Friends

Why is it so hard to spot faux friends? I cringe when I hear someone being fooled by an imitator say "I ran into so and so the other day, she/he is soooo nice...don't you just love them" And I internally think yes, upon first meeting, they seem lovely really they're the opposite. As an authentically nice person, I am offended by bad knock-offs.

Yes, she does seem nice
But really she's a shithead
With time, you will see.

Salty Dinners Leave Me Thirsty and Bloated

Would you please write me a haiku? I have had a very salty dinner at a restaurant and now I am insatiably thirsty and feel like a giant water balloon. Woe. -M.E.

Bloated like a whale
And I want to shave my tongue
No more salt at night

Online Auctions That Go Bust

I sell about a dozen items a week on Ebay. Someone will always email me and say "oh gosh, I missed bidding on the auction, can you sell it to me?" I will not sell it to you when another bidder might drive the price up higher next time. So, I relist the item in question... crickets...no bid from the oh-so-anxious buyer.

On ebay I list items for people to buy
They ask if I'll sell before the price gets too high
I relist and they're gone
Next resort is to pawn
I'm trying to abide your demand with supply

Bald Men Who Wear a Ponytail

Men who are gray-haired and have lost most of said hair but insist on growing the back long and wearing it in ratty little ponytails. -K.P.

You're gray and bald but seem to be in denial
That skimpy ponytail was never in style
Your look...a sad sack
Your hair needs a whack
In your mind, you're a stud, but it's been quite a while

Outdated Scrabble Dictionary

Scrabble's dictionary needs updated! Why can I play dork but not emo? This is not the 1960s! Apparently texting is not a word either yet there are billions of people doing it every day! -M.B.

I put down a great word that I use every day
But Scrabble says no, it's not a word I can play
The word list is outdated
My triple word, negated
I'm stuck playing words they said back in the day

Men Who Yell at the TV to Coach a Game

Why do men scream at the TV when they are watching a sporting event as if they are more knowledgeable than the coach and better than the players? Tell me why Dervish, why? -C.W.

You yell, "run!" when you see the quarterback pass
At least we're at home, he can't hear you harass
The players won't heed you
I don't think they need you
It's easy to coach as you sit on your ass

Cheap Utensils in a Restaurant

Cheap utensils sometimes found in a restaurant can really ruin the experience for me. A haiku or limerick would be appreciated. -L.M.

This ain't silverware
It's a step up from plastic
You just don't cut it

Airline Passengers Who Constantly Get Up to Pee

People on airplanes who use the bathroom a lot should request an aisle seat, as I do. Quit making me stand up to let you by.

I thought ahead and requested an aisle seat
But it seems you could not accomplish this feat
We have not left the tarmac
Four times you've peed and come back
Your bladder ain't just small, it's extra petite