Wording Dervish on Vacation

On November 10th
The Wording Dervish returns
Save up those pet peeves

Emails That Haven't Been Proofed

Dear Wording Dervish, my pet peeve is the email with grammar and punctuation errors. Just because the email is an informal form of communication does not mean that we shouldn't proofread.

I know this comment might sound aloof
But in your emails, you sound like a goof
Double checking's normal
Even when informal
I'd appreciate it if you'd proof

Pedestrians Who Ignore the Street LIght

I hate it when Harvard Square pedestrians walk against the light, as if they're in downtown Mayberry.

I see people cross Harvard Square
Not minding the light, unaware
One day you'll get hit
I won't cry a bit
If you weren't so stupid, I'd care

Those Who Won't Learn New Technology

Those who don't bother to learn new technology and constantly bug those of us who do!

When you bug me about computers
My brain feels accosted by looters
I'd be so impressed
If you'd stay abreast
Otherwise, be a waitress at Hooters

People Who Lick Their Fingers to Thumb Thru Papers

I hate it when people complain about germs, bitch about how scared they are of the swine flu, insist on using hand sanitizer all the time, but somehow forget how unsanitary it is to LICK THEIR FINGERS to thumb through papers. I can't stand that crap! WHEN YOU DO THIS IT IS LIKE YOU ARE LICKING MY PAPERS! STOP IT!!

It's crucial to be sanitary
To avoid the germs that things carry
Yet you lick your thumb
Turning pages...dumb
You think you're prudent, but I'm wary

Fire Lane Blockers

I hate people who park in the fire lane at grocery stores and wait a half hour - 45 minutes for someone to do all the shopping while they sit in the car. "Fire Lane - No Parking" means FIRE LANE!!! NO PARKING!!!!!

What happens if there is a fire?
Hey, lane blocker, things could get dire
Rules apply to you too
Though you don't think they do
A sharp nail was just kicked by your tire

People Who Honk Car Horns for No Good Reason

Why do people honk their horn in traffic when the people they're honking at can't move because of traffic? It's very obnoxious and it tells me a lot about them. -F.D.

Like a goose you honk
As though it will do some good
It won't, you nimrod.

People Who Drive Hummers

Every time I see someone driving a Hummer I wonder how they think that's cool.

I think less of you driving that Hummer
Those who don't conserve are a bummer
Overcompensation
Metal augmentation
Compared to most, I'd say you're dumber

Skaters Who Bend Forward with Hands Clasped Behind Them

It bugs me to see people skating bent forward at the waist with their hands held behind their backs. It's just too Hans Christian Andersen. - KP

I'm perplexed by the way that you skate
And relieved that you are not my date
You look a fairy
Tail, light and airy
I crack up as you do figure eight

People Who "Friend" You to Get Your Business

people who try to friend you on Facebook or Linkedin so they can get business from you. JC

You friend me on Facebook and LinkedIn
This method has begun to wear thin
What you sell, I'll buy
When pigs start to fly
Sleazy motives get under my skin

Food Eaten Past Expiration Date

What is it about shelf life that folks don't get? My peeve is food that is kept beyond its time. A haiku or limerick please.

That jar of food is long past its prime
If you feed me, it could be a crime
Expiration dates
Prevent poisoned plates
I'll eat elsewhere each day at lunchtime

People Who Wear Heavy Fragrance

One of my pet peeves is people who wear heavy fragrance. They think the world is awaiting their scent. What say you? - LMW

To me, you smell just like a skunk
Did you don your cologne while drunk?
The stench lasts for hours
We're humans, not flowers
In a bath I wish you would dunk

Men Who Don't Share Their Umbrella

Dear Dervish: Grown men standing happily with an umbrella while young ladies huddle under one. Yes, they should have brought their own, but you Sir, look The Cad. - DFH

It's kind to share one's umbrella
But you're one unchivalrous fella
Your crudeness, frightening
You're tempting lightening
I hope you contract salmonella

Labels That Stick to Beautiful Book Jackets

Have you noticed the sticky labels, sometimes on a beautiful book jacket, that just won't come off without ruining it? What are they thinking? CAS

Book cover destroyed
Why's the sticker on the front?
Art director seethes

People Who Whistle Incessantly

There's a guy in my office who whistles as he walks around. This may sound like it's no big deal, but when you're trying to concentrate, it can really get on your last nerve.

I have a coworker who blows
Shrill sounds everywhere that he goes
Whistles while I work
Are no office perk
A bad habit right under his nose

When Men Order Before Female Dining Companion

when a man dining with woman orders for himself before his female dining companion has a chance to order.

Ladies go first, pig
Didn't you get home trainin'?
You will not get laid

People Who Gossip All Day in the Office

I hate it when my coworkers gossip all day while I'm trying to get work done.

I have work to do
But you are like Mary Hart
With uglier legs

Friends Who Eat My Dessert

My friend never orders dessert, but when I do, she ends up eating at least half of mine every time. Ease my pain, Dervish.

When the dessert menu comes, you pass
You act stuffed as you sip from your glass
And then you attack
My cake like it's crack
From now on you can kiss my fat ass

People Who Don't Return Phone Calls

People who don't return phone calls in a timely manner are downright rude. Dervish please set them straight.

I called you, yet I haven't heard back
There's no excuse to be that damn slack
You should show me
Some courtesy
I've begun to think you're a sad sack

Roommates Who Leave Lights on All the Time

I have a roommate who hardly ever turns off a light. House empty? Lights are still on. It's wasteful and nothing I say seems to help. - A haiku please.

You are a dim bulb
Lights are on but no one's home
Electric bill soars

Skinny People Who Talk About How Fat They Are

It drives me nuts when skinny people talk about how "fat" they are. Give me a freaking break!

"I'm so fat," you say
But you're small and barely eat
Try this fist sandwich

People Who Order Tapas and Don't Share

People who go eat tapas and don't share. When you go to Avalon...It's more fun to share!

Everyone knows that it's nice to share
If you ordered veal, I wouldn't care
But tapas are good
Please share like you should
Don't make me just sit here and stare

Acquaintances Who Move Without Saying Goodbye

Acquaintances who move without saying goodbye. - Anonymous

Did you think when you moved I'd not know?
A goodbye's not too hard to bestow
I feel kinda dissed
And now I am pissed
I'll have to cut you off like Van Gogh

Sirens That Wake Me Up in the Middle of the Night

Sirens that sound during the night, when it's unlikely anyone is even in their way. It just wakes up the whole neighborhood. F.D.

Curse your siren, unnecessary
You woke me from dreams that were merry
My mood has turned sour
At this early hour
Now, my face as long as John Kerry's