Bottles & Jars Are Too Hard to Open These Days

It is nearly impossible to open a bottle or jar these days without some sort of opener. What are they thinking?

Why are lids these days so hard to remove?
Does the company have something to prove?
Seems only the Hulk
Would buy these in bulk
Please fix this snafu, weaklings disapprove

My Husband Won't Eat Leftovers

at dinner my husband says my cooking is gourmet, but the next day he refuses to eat the leftovers. - m.c.

At dinner, hubby says my food is gourmet
If that's true, why won't you eat it the next day?
Don't let it go to waste
You said you like the taste
You want a new meal tonight? It's curds and whey.

My Man Throws a Hissy When He's Emotional

why do men (namely mine) so closely mimic the behavior of small children - selfish, volatile, and completely out of control of their own actions when they get emotional?

You're a grown man, honey, not a small child
But when you don't get your way, you go wild
You're too old for a hissy
Every time you feel pissy
Keep this up, baby, and I won't stay beguiled

The "Dressy Casual" Designation on an Invitation

On an invitation it reads "dressy casual" or some such oxymoronic phrase that confuses more than it helps. Man, I hate that.

I appreciate your invitation
But "dressy casual" causes frustration
Tennis shoes and a dress?
Clamdiggers with a vest?
I would have dressed fine, but now, hesitation.

Parkers Who Park Too Close

omg, i walked to my car tonight and the car in front of me was parked about 1/8th of an inch from my front bumper. and they were the first car in line = room to pull forward. so frustrating!! - D.K.

Your parking sure blows
You could have left me some room
Bam oops bam oops bam

Garbageman Who Blocks My Garage Every time

We keep our big trashcan out back by our garage door. After dumping into the truck, the garbageman inevitably rolls it behind our garage door instead of 2 feet over where it wouldn't obstruct the driving path. Is he dumb, passive aggressive, or just clueless?

I appreciate you dumping my trash, it's true
But you block my garage door each time that you do
Do you get a kick?
From this weekly trick?
I don't want your job, but I'd be better than you.

Friends Who Find Time to Forward Cartoons But Don't Respond To My Emails

I find it so annoying to receive forwarded emails of cartoons etc. from friends who rarely have the time to answer their personal mail. Thanks for letting me vent. CW

You find time to send jokes and stupid cartoons
But if you respond to me, it's none too soon
I've noticed this trend
You're not a good friend
If you were a fruit, I'd peg you for a prune

Pat Robertson in Front Row of McDonnell's Inauguration

Pat Robertson in the front row of Bob McDonnell's inauguration.

Virginia governor's inauguration
Front row, Pat Robertson, abomination
I'm frightened by both
As one takes his oath
Too bad your moms had no tubal ligation

Perfumes and Spritzing When You Walk Through a Department Store Cosmetic Section

You walk through a department store cosmetic section and it stinks of perfume and sometimes they have people who want to spray that stuff on you. Lord, I hate it. It's like a restaurant smoking section. It should be called the Stinking section.

In the cosmetic section, I want to shriek
Perfumes, colognes, spritzing ladies make me reek
I'm just on my way
To buy lingerie
No more department stores, next time...a boutique

When So-Called News Organizations Hire Spouting Nutjobs

When brainless nutjobs are hired by so-called news orgs to spout more nonsense to the Foxfools of the world.

I turn on the news
But nutjobs spout ignorance
I shall read a book

People Who Post Unflattering Photos of Me

My current post-holiday peeve: People who post and tag photos of others (...me. hmph.) from Christmas morning that are crappy/embarrassing/borderline-retarded-looking. - L.B.

You posted my photo, I look like a freak
If I did it to you, I'd have a bruised cheek
Before these infractions
Consider reactions
One more similar post and you're up the creek

Articles With Long Source Explanations

When reading an article and the quoted source spoke on "condition of anonymity because" and then there is a very long explanation of why. Something like: "because they weren't authorized to discuss the governor's political plans publicly." I hate that and can't read around it fast enough.

Your article's good but your source info's boring
The long explanations I'm always ignoring
Just cut to the chase
Learn how to erase
What writer wants to leave their audience snoring?

Checking Messages and Texting While Eating Out

People who go to dinner with you, yet they text and check messages while they're eating. Are you not able to wait 30 minutes to see if someone other than me is communicating with you?

It's not finger food
Put your freaking phone away
Cauliflower for brains

Holiday Cards that are Printed with No Personal Message or Signed Name

I get Christmas cards from people who don't sign their name or write any personal note. They just stick their printed cards in envelopes and send them along. I guess it's better than no card at all, but really...not even my name or a signature. Am I wrong, Dervish?

I enjoy getting your holiday greeting
But you write nothing, the point, it's defeating
Is it such effort to sign
Your name and mine, or one line
Just one simple word? I don't expect Keating

People Who Say "Literally" in the Wrong Context

I literally lose my mind when I hear "literally" used in the wrong context, as in "I've literally seen that movie a million times" ... no, you didn't!

You say you literally did this or that
But that scenario cannot be a fact
I doubt your cognition
Of the definition
You're literally someone who we think is whacked